An Explorer, a Drunk, and a Farmer

So here's this weeks Bachelorette recap. I honestly wasn't going to write one but the more I payed attention to it the more I realized I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. So sorry it's later than normal but alas, it's here 

The show started with the obligatory getting ready clip and then Andi staring out into…. The driveway? 

Chris goes to talk to the guys … what do you think of the house? Hoots and hollers. What do you think of Andi… dead silence and one rather loud “hot”

We get the usual schpeel from Chris. 2 one on one dates and 1 group date… if you don’t get a rose this week you will be going home yada yada yada.

Eric, our good ol’ Utah friend, got the first one on one date. I must say that I adore him and if I didn’t know about the accident I would be pulling for him to stay till the end. He seems pretty genuine and humble. Not to mention he is one of the most attractive men they picked for this season. (Is it just me or are the guys kind of sub par compared to previous seasons?)

She picks him up and they're off! 

“We camped with the witch doctor…”   “Stop!”   (Stop count:1)

They head to the beach and play around and then a helicopter picks them up and takes them to the mountains. 

Eric says this is the coolest thing ever but I think from what we know about him now and how much he traveled and everything he saw and did, that that was a complete lie sponsored by the one and only Bachlorette franchise.

We see a snowboarder coming down the mountain and am I the only one that was expecting Jesse Csincsak? You know… the guy Deanna Pappas chose? But it wasn’t. It was just some dude that probably got closer to Andi than Eric did the entire date.  We watch Andi attempt to snowboard but really it just turns into a hour of her cursing and falling on her butt. Of course Eric knows his stuff and has already mastered snowboarding so he was probably bored out of his gourd watching her try.

They head to dinner and I don’t know if it was the way they edited it (because of his passing) or what, but they actually showed a good amount of actual conversation that had depth to it. Along with that they spared us the cheesy background romance music during their conversation.

“my dad actually hitch hiked around the United States…”    “Stop”   (Stop count: 2)

On a more serious note when he talked about going to Syria it really made me want to cry. To survive all that and traveling all over the world and then to have a tragic accident in Draper, Utah of all places, I just don’t think it’s fair.

Back at the house the date card arrives and I’m pretty sure when Ryan’s name gets called first he thinks he’s got a one on one because I don’t think I’ve heard anyone in 28 seasons yell that loud for a date with 13 other guys. And of course, we can see Craig with a beer in his hand. And of course he’s excited to get naked.

Back to Eric and Andi

“my younger brother, married, 3 kids.”   “Stop”   (Stop count: 3)

He gets the rose and they roast marshmallows (my kind of date!) And he doesn’t suck face with her.... at least that we know of. I’m sure they were really careful with his editing specifically just to be respectful. 

“So when I was in Guatamala, we roasted marshmallows over a volcano….”  “Stop.” (stop count: 4)

Next up the most awkward and embarrassing group date ever. I think I’ll try not to sum it up too much, just key points.

And as you can probably guess Craig will be a major player in this discussion.

Craig is nervous and he’s excited to see Andi and he really “hopes that she sees me in a good light today.” HA! keep dreamin! “I hope she loves me! I love her!”

Am I the only one who thinks that Craig seems a little gay? I think he might be there for the men more than Andi.

Craig:

“Josh is a STUD!”

“I’m not gonna look as sexy as him but maybe I got a couple more moves, I don’t know, probably not that either.”

“He’s got the whole package.”

Oh and in case you’re wondering, Brian is going to church tomorrow. If church is considered being locked up in the Bachelor mansion watching Craig drool over other guys, then yes. Yes, he is going to church tomorrow.

Sharleen and Kelly show up and do basically… nothing. We don’t see them talk; they don’t discuss the men in depth, no interviews, nothing. I’m not sure why they were there. All I can say is Sharleen, now is your chance to grab that opera singer guy and head for the hills. Because let’s be honest... we know Andi won’t end up with him so he’s all yours babe.

Craig, “I don’t care about taking my shirt off, but I do care about taking it off next to Josh. He’s incredible!

Sharleen looks mortified. Her and the rest of America.

Patrick says that he will probably have posttraumatic stress disorder after this. Him and anyone else watching this episode.We’re just making all sorts of people uncomfortable, the guys, sharleen, me, “Bachelor Nation”, my cat. But not Craig. Did anybody else notice the girls in the audience with X’s on the back of their hands? I did. Made me laugh. If you're not old enough to drink I'm not sure you should be watching this date either. 

As if Andi’s blue shirt from the earlier portion of the date wasn’t revealing enough, she decides to parade her assets around a little more during the after party with a diving neck line. 

Craig just can't wait to get the party started... “Can we have a cheers so I can have a drink of this?”

Pretty soon the Bachelor franchise is going to have their own rendition of Celebrity Rehab.

Craig, “Josh is a stud dude! Like I love Josh’s face so much now! I had the most horrible body on stage for sure, so when we ripped our shirts off and I was like Josh, I just want to kill your face.”

Talk about drunk to the umpteenth power

The other date card arrives back at the house and Chris gets the second one on one. Chris says to Eric, “I could kiss you right now.” Man what is up with these guys this season!?!?!

Back on the date the opera singer serenades Andi as she sits there and tries her best not look 100% uncomfortable. Craig decides to go find Andi and “find out what she is.” Andi jokingly tells Craig that he’s her favorite but he didn’t hear the “kind of” she said after that and he just thinks she is 1000% serious. Craig tries to interrupt another dude’s one on one time and instead he gets diverted to the pool. Does anyone know who else jumped in with him? Because I can’t for the life of me figure out who it was. Craig has basically passed the Ed Swiderski drunk level. Anyone remember him on Bachelor Pad? Basically the big bad producers had to step in and tame the wild beast that was Craig. 

Andi gets all mad and upset and takes it out on the sober guys because you know, if anyone needs a lecture about not drinking too much it's the 13 still with it guys right in front of her. In my opinion she made more of it than necessary, if it were me I would’ve just told the producers to make him leave.

In the end Marcus gets the group date rose. End scene.

Chris’s date is up next and he shows up in a casual t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. Obviously producers didn’t tell him what to wear. Andi makes him feel better by saying something along the lines of “wow, you’re underdressed” She then offered him many outfit choices and he came out in a gray suit, pinkish shirt, and bow tie. Oh and probably a farmers tan. If you looked at them compared to the other people at the track they were extremely overdressed.

They go and watch some races and while they are sitting there sipping on mint juleps, an old couple casually asks them how long they’ve been together. It wasn’t staged. At. All. Just you know, a totally casual conversation. 

“Nine just won!”   “Stop it.”  (Stop count: 5)

At dinner....

“There’s no way I’m getting a one on one, the odds don’t look good.”   “Stop.”  (Stop count: 6)

Chris gets the rose and they go and have a private concert by yet another group that no one has heard of. You think that with how big the Bachelor franchise has gotten that they could afford a name that people have heard of before. So they step up into a little roped off area just to keep them contained so they don’t maul the band, because you know they’re their biggest fans and we don’t want to risk the band’s safety.

Cocktail party time and Andi is yet again wearing a dress with a diving neck line. Josh stared at her boobs for a good 5 seconds before he looked at her face when she walked in. Don't believe me? Go back and watch. You'll laugh. 

In their one on one time Andi tells Josh, “You’re rambling”  and he says “alright, stop. Stop it.” Later when he’s about to kiss her he says, “stop, you’re killing me right now.” (Josh’s stop count: 3) Match made in heaven. If we base things off of this “stop” crap, she will pick Josh.

Then we watch Craig attempt to make a comeback but he was clearly still suffering from a hangover 3 days later and the best he could come up with was,

“I messed up last night. I had too much firefly. I bared my junk to 13 other guys but I hope and pray that it’s alright. Oh Andi, please let me stay.”

Needless to say, he got sent home.  

I find it so ironic that Andi was the one who got after Juan Pabs for saying, "es okay" so much but she says, "Staaaaahpp" "Stop." "Stop!" "Stop it." Every thirty seconds. At least when I was watching Juan Pabs I didn't notice that he said es okay so much until close to the end of the season. It's Andi's second week and this stop nonsense is out of control. Seriously Andi, stop. 

Do you guys have favorites yet? Sad to say but my front runner would be Eric. 

PS Did anyone else see Andi's dress at the rose ceremony .... 

and instantly think of the HIMYM episode when Barney gets a diamond suit? 

I did.