Hey Andi, Romeo & Juliet Killed Themselves

This week The Bachelorette ordered extra cheese on their opening scenes. Andi in a gondola, the boys hanging out and pondering on an old time boat, a low camera angle as Andi is walking through town, and a shot of her on a Romeo and Juliet esque balcony. Cause we all stand and ponder in public places on the daily.

When we first see Andi was I the only one who noticed that she got her hair did? It looked like they were attempting the ever so popular ombre look but it was a crash and burn probably brought to us by the Suave hair care professionals. It basically looked like she used a bad store brand dye that went horribly wrong and didn’t fade to her roots like the ombre is typically supposed too…. Did I really just go off on hair for a whole paragraph? My apologies. Back to the point… or back to me wasting my time writing about a television show that will in no way benefit me or alter the history of the world…

She announces that one date will start right then… I think they thought it would add drama but all it did was spare us a cheesy saying on a date card. Josh thought he would get the date card because two one on one dates in a row happens every season, right?

Well Nick gets the date and off they go. And what lesson did we all just learn? I think it goes something like “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” 

Before we get to their date can we please just take a moment and talk about the outfit choices of the guys? Chris’ pink shorts, Josh’s neon green shirt, and Marcus’ extremely red jacket… apparently they're going to go hit up 80’s night and the local pizzeria while Nick tries his best to convince Andi he’s not really a total douche. 

They get on a gondola and go for a ride to advertise for Venice’s public transportation that nobody knows about. Nick says he’s going to try not to be “salty” (Andi’s favorite adjective for him last week). So to show her this he chose some excellent body language, you know, crossed arms, crossed legs, very inviting and reassuring. The boat was pretty lopsided; Nick’s ego obviously was weighing his side of the boat down. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that gondola to tip over and dump them in the waters of Venice AKA their sewer system.

They casually float by a wedding… doesn’t it seem they always happen to just “randomly” run into weddings all the time on this show? There is nothing “real” about this “reality” tv show.

They figure to keep with the theme of an extremely sanitary date, i.e. floating down the sewer, they should go let the dirtiest birds known to all of man, also known as flying rats, also known as pigeons, climb all over them. Yummy.

They then head to go pick out masks to wear to dinner. Andi has him try on a solid black one… but wait? Didn’t that already get burned and thrown in the fire when Jeff got eliminated on Ashley’s season?

Onto the dinner portion…

Andi floats up in a gondola holding up a mask about as awkwardly as she holds the roses at the rose ceremony (anyone noticed that?). Andi thinks Nick looks like a prince in his tux. I think he looks like a pubescent boy awkwardly standing at his first prom. And it didn’t help when he says Cody hurt his feelings. I think it’s clear that Nick is the deemed “villan” this season… or at least the one that the guys dislike the most.

He tells her he’s falling in love and that’s all Andi ever needs to hear. He gets the rose and they go to a “masquerade ball” And Andi awkwardly holds her mask up. The. Whole. Time. She makes a big deal about him putting the mask on and then rips it off ten seconds later. Her dress was so awkward and big so they obviously couldn’t go more than 20 feet away from the dinner table and so they dance and make out in front of an audience of 5.

Group date

Apparently they were all told to wear blue/navyblue/tan/white. JJ is the only one wearing something a little different but that’s all we could expect from the pantsepaneur.

They tie a Unicorn balloon on her so they won’t lose her like a small child. I’m sure they also put an “if lost, please return to Chris Harrison Nick” tag on her as well. They go to a medieval castle to take a lie detector test. Because I don’t know about you guys but that’s the very first thing that pops into my head when I think Italy. Italians…. Lie detector tests. It’s like PB&J, right?

Josh starts trying to figure out how accurate the machines are so he can calculate just how much of his douchbaggery he can hide from her. It was pretty entertaining to watch him have a melt down about it.

Is your name josh? Yes

Have you ever cheated on a test? Yes

Are you here for the right reasons? Yes

Are you falling in love with Andi? Yes

And because you were all wondering….

Jj is good in bed and

Dylan doesn’t wash his hands

So naturally, the next shot shows her and Dylan holding hands walking. Hahaha. Dylan says he wasn’t feeling good and goes back to the hotel but we can all tell that he really isn’t sick and the only thing he really has is a guaranteed ticket back to the states.  

Andi says that trust is the most important thing in a relationship so naturally the way she shows this is by not trusting them and making them prove their honesty through a dramatic test.

3 told no lies

1 told 2 lies

and 2 told 3 lies

of course lies should be more like “lies” because how accurate are those things anyways?

Andi gets their “results” and they make the whole situation even more dramatic by having her rip up the papers… that probably leads to better ratings, right?

The guys sit around and talk about who the “Secret admirer” is and at this point we know it is Chris. Chris is so awkward that I don’t know how the guys missed it. The only thing he can manage to awkwardly get out of his mouth during this conversation is “what the hell?” and the guys still don’t suspect a thing.

Josh and Andi have their one on one time and Josh says he is glad that she ripped up the papers because that’s not a good way to build trust and he prefers to trust people without that stuff. Andi immediately assumes that he’s lying and isn’t being honest…. Rushing to conclusions much? It was almost like a rerun of what happened with Eric and I honestly started thinking that that would be the end of Josh. Of course, Andi starts balling and whining about it and playing the victim card like she does.

Chris steals her away next… in the most awkward way possible. He tells her he’s the “secret admirer” but then again who else would it have been?

Josh obviously wouldn’t do that from his comments earlier.

JJ is too quirky.

Cody couldn’t hold a pencil to write because his huge arms would just snap the pencil in half.

Brian coaches basketball… he isn’t in charge of the poetry society, those notes aren’t from him.

I guess it potentially could have been Marcus but eh.

Dylan didn’t care enough to stay on the date let alone sit around and write letters during the hours he’s locked up in a hotel.  

Nick is too insensitive and the only love letters he’s writing are to himself.

Which leaves quiet, cute, awkward Chris… the perfect formula for a love writing farm hand from Iowa. And that earned him the group date rose.

Cody finally gets his well-deserved one on one date… He’s one of the most laid back, patient, optimistic guys left. They head to Juliet’s courtyard, play tourists, and then head to Club De Giuelietta and respond to letters of people pleading for help in their love lives. Because the best people to give advice about love are people who resort to a television show to find their one and only “true love”.

They head to dinner… when they showed Andi was I the only one who thought she was wearing an extremely short white dress? Well turns out they were just tan pants. Not a very good ensemble choice for a televised production. Cody reads his own letter that he wrote. He goes off and keeps talking and it’s clear that Andi is not into him. Unfortunately he doesn’t see the obvious signs so he keeps going. She starts freaking out (as per ushe) and to sum it up, she sends him packing. I was disappointed to see him leave. I knew they wouldn’t end up together but he had a good personality, was super optimistic, was grateful for every group date he got, and overall I thought he was a standout guy.

Andi says she doesn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain…. So hey Andi, can you please explain the Juan Pablo blow up, and screaming at Eric, and Cody, and most of all please explain why you chose to date 25 guys at once if you don’t want to be the “cause of anyone’s pain”.

Rose Ceremony

Andi walks into the cocktail party and before Andi even says hello to anybody, Nick throws a glass of wine at her and steals her away. When a guy throws a drink at a girl that fast all I can think is date rape drug! Date rape drug!

But all Andi thinks is…

“That is a man, that is a man right there” 

No honey, that is an immature, arrogant, jerk of a guy, with raging hormones because you’re the only one he’s messed around with in two months and he just wants to get some.

In the end it was JJ who got sent packing. Andi tries to make it better by saying “JJ” the way she said it on their old couple date. They go outside and talk Andi rambles. And with that he left.

With JJ gone the boys that are left have some pretty big pants to fill! ;)