If you're looking for a funny or entertaining post, this isn't it. I don't even know where to begin and all I can do is just let my fingers run on this keyboard. There won't be any formal thought process behind this and I doubt I will proofread it. I don't have the energy.
A week ago if you asked me what I thought my life would be like right now I would have told you the EXACT opposite. It started a week ago. Sunday night he got really sick. It came on in the blink of an eye. We thought it was just a really bad stomach flu. An emergency room and 7 days in the hospital later, here we are.
It's a constant roller coaster. He makes progress and then hours later it's back to where it all began. It's so hard to watch your dad, the one who is always healthy, always the strong one, never in screaming pain, lay there and be that miserable. I sit there all day and feel so helpless. I wish I could just take the pain away from him and suffer for him. It's frustrating that the doctors don't know what to do exactly. It's frustrating that I don't even understand what's going on and if you asked me what was exactly wrong, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that he's laid there for a week in pain with no relief and it's not fair. He is the person who least deserves it. He is so selfless all the time and it's not fair that he has to go through this. It's so hard to see him so weak because he hasn't had any form of nutrients in more than a week.
My dad's friend, Bruce, that we know from karting always said something that stuck in my mind. I thought about it again a week or two ago and was actually going to write a blog post about it. But I'm no good at blogging lately and so that quickly got pushed out of the picture. He said "I always thank the Lord everyday for my health, because if you don't have your health you have nothing." This quote is so true and so scary all at the same time. If you don't have your health all you can do is lay there and wait to get better and pray the minutes go faster. I know that ever since hearing him say this I have a new found appreciation for my health. It also breaks my heart at the same time because I can't help my dad get better. He lays there day in and day out and is such a trooper about it all. He is so kind and so polite to the nurses when they poke and prod him every ten minutes. I would be yelling and screaming and demanding they do this and that. He is so patient and handles everything so well. He has such amazing faith and says that it's just a trial and he's going to endure it well, which he does.
He's been at the hospital for a week and I don't know how he isn't going crazy. I know that he is to some extent but he also knows it's the only choice he's got at the current moment. The hospital is such an interesting place. It can be such a happy and exciting environment and sad and depressing the next. The days seem much longer and much shorter all at the same time. I spent 11 hours there today and it felt like maybe five or six. It is an emotionally exhausting and draining place and I don't know how people do it.
I have watched the rooms around my dad's fill up and empty out many times. The room next door has had 2 people in it come and gone. The next room down is now empty again. The people we see walking in the halls constantly change. And if we see the same people it's the cleaning people or the CNAs.
If this all wasn't enough, my jackass of an ex-boyfriend decided to grace me with his presence convincing me that a year and a half later we should try again. I, being the naive idiot that I am, decided sure, why not? Well, I wish I could say I was surprised but he hasn't changed at all and it was a waste of my time and additional emotional stress that I didn't need. He's too much of a wimp to say or do anything and that left me prying at him to finally be a man and admit that this was a joke. Ending it was a huge weight off my shoulders but it left me full of so much anger that unfortunately lasted all day.
I hate how my attitude has been and I try to change it but I just feel like I physically and mentally can't. I have never had this mix of emotions before and it's different and I don't exactly know how to handle it. I'm angry and have feelings of hatred because of people like him, I'm upset and frustrated because I can't do anything with my dad, I'm emotionally unstable because of the circumstances and the lack of sleep, I'm grateful because of all those who have been there and shown their love for my dad and our family. It's just such an array of feelings that I want to scream one minute and then ball my eyes out the next. You think with how expensive hospital stays are these days that they could afford some softer and better quality tissues.
I know it's said that trials are only a moment in our lives but while I'm just rambling about how I'm feeling lately I feel like ever since 8th grade my life has been an uphill battle. I just wish I could change things or at least gain some understanding. Thank you all for your prayers for my dad and my family. We recognize it and appreciate it so much. I love you all more than you'll ever know.
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| Sunset from my dad's room. |
