Brutal Honesty Hour

Oh hey. If there's one thing that hasn't changed it's the fact that I still don't sleep at night. So, why not do a random blog post that no one will ever read. Found this fun little list on Pinterest and thought it might be fun... Here we go!

A - If I'm in love

In love? no. Do I care about someone an extreme amount and probably someone who I will never be IN love with? yes.

B - Who the last person I talked to on the phone

Hadlie. My BFF since 3rd grade. We keep each other semi-sane.

C - How long it's been since I've kissed somebody

Middle of November.

D - If I have a preference for boys or girls

Not sure what they mean by this one. Relationships? Only guys. Other aspects of life? I like having a nephew and I like having nieces. I like having both guy friends and girl friends. I guess I feel like we all bring a lot of different things to the table and it makes life fun.

E - How many piercings I have

Just one in each ear. Although I have been wanting more. 😬 I mean, how cute is this?

I would never get that many cause I couldn't pull it off, but I think it's cute. Also, with me being SUPER allergic to metal, the chances of me ever getting more piercings is highly unlikely. And I'm a baby and scared it would hurt like hell.

F - hot or cold

I guess in general I would say cold. I don't like hot drinks, I prefer cold weather (hello sweaters!), and I like sleeping in a cold room.

G - the last person I said 'I love you' to

I think my mom.

H - The last person I hugged

I think also my mom.

I - The last time I felt jealous and why

Probably tonight while scrolling through Insta. Fashion bloggers, am I right?! ... perfect body, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect job, perfect wardrobe, perfect hubby, perfect life, never a problem in the world. Okay, so that's probably not true, but I give them credit for really keeping their Instagrams lookin fabulous... and totally unbelievable.

J - Are you insecure

Haha... see above answer. YES, so much. It's one of my biggest flaws.

K - What my full name is

Kylie Gwen Maxfield

L - If I have siblings

Yes, one older sister and one older brother.

M - If I forgive betrayal

Oooof. I guess it depends on the situation.

N - Favorite animal

I don't think I have one. I'm honestly not much of an animal person.

O - Where would I like to travel

I really want to go back to the Baltic Sea area. That or Disneyland, let's be real.

P - What kind of music I like

I guess I would say the top charts stuff. Pop. Shocker... I love T-Swift and Ed Sheeran. I also love Parachute. Like a lot. One Republic, Train, Coldplay, Five for Fighting. I just love music in general. If I had to pick between music and tv, I'd pick music.

Q - Favorite flower

I'm not really a flower person. But I guess I'd have to say the classic red roses are always fun to get.

R - Is cheating ever okay

No.

S - 2 habits

I bite my nails or I guess I should say cuticles 😫😩😩 and I crack my neck

T - 3 things I love unconditionally

My family, Bear Lake, Sports

U - Favorite time of year and why

I'm torn. Winter - because of the cute clothes. I'm a sucker for sweaters and boots. Summer - because boating, duh! and Fall - because there's so many fun activities to do, the leaves are beautiful, and again... cute clothes!

V - Big dreams

Biggest is to have my own family - a hubby and kids. And let's be real. At this point that is a BIG dream 😂 I also would love to travel more and have an actual career that I love and am successful in.

W - If I've done something I regret very much

Yes.

X - 3 turn ons

Sense of humor, dresses nicely, not afraid to have fun and be goofy

Y - 3 turn offs

Never says thank you, not able to hold a conversation, immaturity

Z - What excites you

Excitement... jk (thanks Arie!... anyone watch The Bachelor?) I'd say hanging out with friends, my nieces and nephew, any sort of trip - big or small

Well, I don't think that was exactly BRUTAL. Those were pretty basic. But it's a fun little reintroduction to who I am today. Ya know. Since I haven't been around here since Pluto was actually considered a planet. Okay, so it hasn't been THAT long. But still. It's been a while. A long long while.

Why I Don't Date

There are many reasons that I don't date, which makes it kind of hard to know where to start. It's not something I've chosen and if it were up to me, I'd be dating a lot. I don't think it's any secret that I am LDS and families and marriage are a large part of our religion. It's pretty stereotypical that people think every single, young, LDS person in Utah gets married before they're twenty. While this may have had more truth to it 10, 20, 30 years ago, it's not that way anymore. While it is true for some people, it is moving far away from that. Lately, I see more people of different religions who seriously date and are in substantial, progressing relationships and as far as I know, they don't have the same amount of encouragement and religious importance placed on it. But, religion aside, overall it's our entire culture that isn't dating. Recently an article came out stating that there are currently more single people in the US than married. Now, I must clarify and say that I'm not dying to get married tomorrow. Far from that actually. But it would be nice to have the occasional night out and get to know people. So what is stopping me from dating? 

It's all just a game 

Dating used to be about spotting the player and avoiding them. Now, the players are the majority and those who take it seriously, the rare and almost extinct, minority. Nobody is looking for a substantial relationship that stems deeper than the "let's maybe hang out sometime" and an occasional noncommittal, nonchalant "what's up" text message. You don't have to look very far to see that playing games is the new "norm". One word, Tinder. This so called "dating" app is in all honesty everything but. The newer version of Hot or Not encourages hook ups based off of a few pictures and a sentence or two about yourself. If you like what you see, swipe right. If not, swipe left. If you swipe right and it's a mutual match, it will pop up and notify you and do you know what it says? 

 - send Lee Mealone a message? 

Or 

- keep playing

Playing! Even Tinder acknowledges that dating is really nothing more than just a game. And you know who wins this game? The person who cares less. The person who plays the other person harder wins. The person who has no investment in anything wins. The person who is not looking for anything wins. The person who puts no feelings or effort in wins. The people who want to date, who want a relationship, who want to meet people, are those who are condemned in the "dating" world. 

No such thing as a date

I can't recall the last time I went on a "date". I could easily tell you the last time I "hung out" with someone I was interested in who was interested in me as well... But it wasn't a "date". He asked me to "hang out". Even though it had many components of a "date", one on one, one person paying, cuddling, hand holding, etc. but when it came time for a second "date" it was only a "want to hang out?"  

As I said earlier, marriage and families are at the center of the LDS religion and as a result it is often encouraged by the church leaders that twenty-somethings stop hanging out and actually date. I recently had a conversation with one of my friends after he went to a meeting where the single guys were encouraged to date. 

Me: how was conference? 

Him: I feel like I've been to better. but overall it was good. The single guys were called out and told to be social and date. 

Me: I'm glad. I feel like guys are too chicken to ask girls out and no one dates anymore. 

Him: I agree. But it's more fun to just hang out and not go out so to say. 

So there you have it. A twenty-something guy flat out admitting that he won't date. 

Apparently, hanging out requires less effort and guts and is the easy way out, which leads me to this...

No relationship = no break-up 

If you're not dating and are only "hanging out" it requires less involvement on your end, and apparently people hate involvement. If you're only hanging out, you're free to come and go as you please. Hang out with them one week, disappear for two and come and go as you please. Want a make-out or cuddle buddy? You have one on hand and when the night is over, you have no obligation to call them or text them tomorrow or the day after cause you're only "hanging out" with one another and not in a relationship or dating them. We have this attitude of people like the "chase" and playing hard to get and coming across as playing it cool or not caring is the best way to land that special someone.  And to those people who view it that way, I say look around, because it's obviously not working. People think that if there isn't a "break up" it will hurt less and it won't be as bad. But, doesn't it hurt just as much to have someone, who you're obviously interested in, randomly disappear and fall off the face of the planet without any sort of explanation? I stray from the majority when I say that I'd rather have a clear answer rather than some pathetic, gutless, complete cop out of a disappearance. 

Too many options 

There are so many people out there yet we choose to be lonely. There are thousands of people on tinder yet it almost encourages extreme pickiness. It is all based off of looks and basically disregards what really makes up a person.  What about personality, life experiences, ambitions, sense of humor? I think we have all met that one person who was no Adam Levine or Carrie Underwood but once we got to know them, they became more attractive as their personality began to show. 

Along the lines of too many options I can't help but think of something we talked about in one of my advertising/marketing classes. Take a shampoo company ... They have over 30 choices and types of shampoo to choose from. The consumer can stand in front of them for 10 minutes and still not know which one to pick or what will be best for them and as a result they walk away, empty handed, no shampoo. 

A world without dating 

I think it's clear that communication has drastically changed from times in the past. We "socialize" through Facebook, Instagram, and text messages. The actual face to face conversations are rare and are becoming more and more avoided. It's easier to say things through a text than to someone's face. There's not as much risk involved. It's easier to "like" someone's status or picture rather than have an actual conversation about what is going on in their life. Since when does a "like" qualify as a friendship? 

With actual human interaction dying down, the old idea of a courtship has died with it. Long gone are the days of actually asking people on dates and persuing them in a straight forward fashion without the chase and the games. I feel like to find these days we'd have to go back to the times of stage coaches and corsets. And unfortunately Back to the Future is only a movie. 

And that my friends, is why I don't date. 

The Hormonal Ugly Cry, a Facebook Message, and Anthony Burns

So I had a 100% different post planned for today. And then a bunch of things happened that changed that. It was my birthday eve I guess you could call it. I had a break down. Of course this break down could be attributed to basically hormones. All girls will understand this... the hormonal ugly cry. It's a thing. It's the cry that starts out for no reason but then turns into a domino effect of every stupid thing you could possibly be crying about.... I forgot to go to the post office, I still haven't bought dryer sheets, my nail polish always chips 2 days after I paint them and I can't figure out why, I haven't been eating healthy today when I should be eating nothing but healthy because I have a trip coming up that I don't want to be self conscious for, the fact that I shouldn't even be crying because my sister is supposed to be the emotional hormonal mess because she's pregnant, the fact that dating absolutely sucks and I feel like all guys want to do is play games and hello! Us girls are not Monopoly or Toss Across, we're people. The fact that I'm turning 22 and looking back at the past year I feel like I have accomplished nothing, the fact that I feel so freaking lazy because I've been in bed vomiting courtesy of food poisoning.  See the hormonal ugly cry about anything and everything stupid.

This is nothing compared to some places I've been in the past. I've been down some pretty scary roads that I don't care to go into much detail about. I've been there like many other people and even though it was a few years ago, it's still sometimes very real to me. I'm a pretty happy person in general, especially when I'm around the people I care about but life isn't consistent, which we all know and it has major peaks and downfalls as we can expect.

During this ridiculous melt down I got on Facebook and found something in my inbox from my best friend. She knows me and my past probably more than a lot of people. It was this video.

I basically balled through the whole thing, but wow. This guy is pretty freaking incredible and he made me snap out of whatever I was dealing with. 

It's funny how things happen. How things show up right when you need them. The fact that she sent this within half an hour of my ridiculous crying fest. The fact that timing is everything and timing has a way of working itself out. 

This post got way more personal than I ever intended but it's a personal pet peeve of mine when bloggers pretend that life is all rainbows and butterflies because I don't care who you are, that's not the case. And there are obviously a lot of other people out there that needed to see this otherwise he wouldn't have made this video. 

So thank you to Anthony Burns and thank you to my BFF for an uplifting wake up call. 

I challenge you to share this with someone who you think would benefit from it. Because I know I did and you might just make a bigger impact than expected. 

A Post About Everything and Nothing

If you're looking for a funny or entertaining post, this isn't it. I don't even know where to begin and all I can do is just let my fingers run on this keyboard. There won't be any formal thought process behind this and I doubt I will proofread it. I don't have the energy.

A week ago if you asked me what I thought my life would be like right now I would have told you the EXACT opposite. It started a week ago. Sunday night he got really sick. It came on in the blink of an eye. We thought it was just a really bad stomach flu. An emergency room and 7 days in the hospital later, here we are.

It's a constant roller coaster. He makes progress and then hours later it's back to where it all began. It's so hard to watch your dad, the one who is always healthy, always the strong one, never in screaming pain, lay there and be that miserable. I sit there all day and feel so helpless. I wish I could just take the pain away from him and suffer for him. It's frustrating that the doctors don't know what to do exactly. It's frustrating that I don't even understand what's going on and if you asked me what was exactly wrong, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that he's laid there for a week in pain with no relief and it's not fair. He is the person who least deserves it. He is so selfless all the time and it's not fair that he has to go through this. It's so hard to see him so weak because he hasn't had any form of nutrients in more than a week.

My dad's friend, Bruce, that we know from karting always said something that stuck in my mind. I thought about it again a week or two ago and was actually going to write a blog post about it. But I'm no good at blogging lately and so that quickly got pushed out of the picture. He said "I always thank the Lord everyday for my health, because if you don't have your health you have nothing." This quote is so true and so scary all at the same time. If you don't have your health all you can do is lay there and wait to get better and pray the minutes go faster. I know that ever since hearing him say this I have a new found appreciation for my health. It also breaks my heart at the same time because I can't help my dad get better. He lays there day in and day out and is such a trooper about it all. He is so kind and so polite to the nurses when they poke and prod him every ten minutes. I would be yelling and screaming and demanding they do this and that. He is so patient and handles everything so well. He has such amazing faith and says that it's just a trial and he's going to endure it well, which he does.

He's been at the hospital for a week and I don't know how he isn't going crazy. I know that he is to some extent but he also knows it's the only choice he's got at the current moment. The hospital is such an interesting place. It can be such a happy and exciting environment and sad and depressing the next. The days seem much longer and much shorter all at the same time. I spent 11 hours there today and it felt like maybe five or six. It is an emotionally exhausting and draining place and I don't know how people do it.

I have watched the rooms around my dad's fill up and empty out many times. The room next door has had 2 people in it come and gone. The next room down is now empty again. The people we see walking in the halls constantly change. And if we see the same people it's the cleaning people or the CNAs.

If this all wasn't enough, my jackass of an ex-boyfriend decided to grace me with his presence convincing me that a year and a half later we should try again. I, being the naive idiot that I am, decided sure, why not? Well, I wish I could say I was surprised but he hasn't changed at all and it was a waste of my time and additional emotional stress that I didn't need. He's too much of a wimp to say or do anything and that left me prying at him to finally be a man and admit that this was a joke. Ending it was a huge weight off my shoulders but it left me full of so much anger that unfortunately lasted all day.

I hate how my attitude has been and I try to change it but I just feel like I physically and mentally can't. I have never had this mix of emotions before and it's different and I don't exactly know how to handle it. I'm angry and have feelings of hatred because of people like him, I'm upset and frustrated because I can't do anything with my dad, I'm emotionally unstable because of the circumstances and the lack of sleep, I'm grateful because of all those who have been there and shown their love for my dad and our family. It's just such an array of feelings that I want to scream one minute and then ball my eyes out the next. You think with how expensive hospital stays are these days that they could afford some softer and better quality tissues.

I know it's said that trials are only a moment in our lives but while I'm just rambling about how I'm feeling lately I feel like ever since 8th grade my life has been an uphill battle. I just wish I could change things or at least gain some understanding. Thank you all for your prayers for my dad and my family. We recognize it and appreciate it so much. I love you all more than you'll ever know.

Sunset from my dad's room. 

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

Pepsi or Coke: I'm a diet coke kind of girl through and through

TV or Movies: TV... Teen Mom, Dance Moms, The Bachelor, Shark Tank, Friends, Dr. Phil, Catfish... yeah definitely TV. (Can you tell I watch some quality TV shows? They're all pathetic and I love them all!)

Books or Magazines: Magazines.

Tattoos or Piercings: Piercings. Because this was just too funny... I'm a horrible person. Good thing I already went to hell this summer.

Morning or Night: I'd like to say morning but I'm basically an insomniac so I feel I'm forced to say night. Nights are more exciting anyways... crazy stuff just doesn't happen early in the morning.

Life or Death: uh... life. Is that really a question?

Bicycle or Motorcycle: Have you seen my bike? Definitely bike.

Run or Walk: Haha.. me? Run? Unless it's for a short line on Indiana Jones at Disneyland, you can count me out on running.

Long or short nails: SHORT!!! I guess everything about me has to be short. I can't stand long nails. I think they look gross. I take biotin everyday for my hair... the only downside is it makes your nails grow too. My nails grow faster than bamboo and I end up cutting/filing them at least twice a week.

Clean or Dirty: Clean. Definitely. I keep my house spic and span. There are never dishes left on my stove or in my sink. Everything is taken care of ASAP. It's hard for me to leave, even to school, if my room is chaotic or my house a mess. A clutter free house = a clutter free mind.

Cats or Dogs: Both. I have a cat who thinks she's a dog. Side story... I went to my parents the other day and she was meowing as I came up the garage steps. She was sitting right inside the door. My mom said she was in the family room with her, got up and left, and started meowing like crazy. Less than 30 seconds later I walked in the door. My cat has super senses.

She covers her eyes if she's sleeping where theres a light on.

iPhone or Droid: iPhone, always. I don't understand the droid thing... it seems more complicated and when it comes to technology, I'm all about simplicity.

N'Sync or Backstreet Boys: N'Sync. JT. 'nough said.

Blue or Green eyes: Green. I love having green eyes. They're more uncommon than blue and brown and I love being different.

Delete Facebook or Twitter: I got rid of my Facebook once, I could do it again.

Ferris Wheel or Roller Coaster: Roller Coaster. Ferris wheels are nice to look at but scare the living daylights outta me.

Cafe Rio or Chipotle: Believe it or not, it depends on the day. I love Chipotle's chips and tacos, but nothing beats a Cafe Rio sweet pork salad... sans guacamole. Yuck.

Full House or Family Matters: To ask such a question? How rude! FULL HOUSE FOR THE WIN!

Shark Week or Fashion Week: I love me some fashion but definitely Shark Week... it's on Netflix!!!

Dying Easter Eggs or Carving Pumpkins: I excel at both. But I like dying easter eggs, it involves less guts.

and just for the halibut since the big rivalry game is this weekend... 

BYU or Utah: A Utah Man Am I! Utes all the way! Forever and always. 

Well Blogees... as of 12pm today my weekend begins. This weekend has some radical plans. 

Unfortunately, I have to squeeze a lot of studying in-between the fun stuff. Welcome to senior year of college. It still sounds so weird to say that. Senior. In college. 

Peace out! Happy Weekend! 

Let's Get Real

I've been debating if I wanted to put all this out here. But I've decided it's time to get real. If you don't like getting real, this post is not for you. 

 I've had weeks to comprehend the latest in my life. Weeks to see that "friends" aren't always friends. I've known this since high-school or earlier and you'd think I'd learn. I guess I like to assume the best in everyone, that people are different, that they're not all the same. 

I've come to the conclusion that if people want to be in your life, they'll make an effort. Friendship is a two way street, it takes more than one person's effort. With that said, it becomes extremely obvious when people are just using you to their disposal and truly don't care about your friendship. It becomes obvious when they just want a relationship with you only for their benefit. It's so hurtful when you realize that this is the case... that they'll do anything for any of their other friends...buy them lunch, pay them back, a present for any little thing, a verbal thank you... and then when it comes to you, they just expect things from you and other than that, you may as well have gone out with yesterday's trash. The fact that some people are afraid of offending a past acquaintance but will do anything to their "best friend" because they're upset and mad they got caught doing something not so nice boggles me. People often hide from their actions thinking that if they don't acknowledge them, all will go away. It's the childhood mentality of covering your eyes and assuming "if I can't see you, you can't see me."

Part of growing up in life is being able to say you were wrong, to verbally apologize and acknowledge that you made a mistake. I know that this comes with maturity and that all people may not be there whether they are 10 or 35. There comes a point in life when you do need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions good and bad. When we choose not to grow up we're in for a world of wake up calls. 

With that being said, I am an extremely true believer in the statement that everything happens for a reason. When I think about this it makes my life ten times more incredible and makes me realize that I have everything I could ever need and while finding out some people are not meant to be in your life may not be ideal, everything we go through is a learning experience. 

So with that I'm saying goodbye to 309. My time here is done. It's been a learning experience and something I will always value. It holds many memories and was my first opportunity to live on my own, away from the dorms. While things here might have ended how I never imagined them, I'll say it again, I believe everything happens for a reason. That when things happen it's truly where God wants me to be. It seems that when events in life happen it's an opportunity for a fresh start, which is just what I personally needed. 

I'm all moved into my new place and I couldn't be more thrilled. It's everything and more than I imagined it could be. 

It's quiet, small, relaxing, clean, a sanctuary, and best of all it's mine. 

It's refreshing to come home to a house rather than an apartment building. It's nice to come home to a place that will be just as I left it and I won't be walking into any surprises. It's nice to know that dirty dishes won't be on the stove or in the sink for weeks at a time. It's nice to know that when orange nail polish gets on my furniture it will be my own fault and not have somehow magically appeared while I was away. 

If you've made it through this whole post, bless your heart. I know it was long and in my opinion it was me getting real. That's what blogging is supposed to be all about anyways, right? Wrapping up this post I'll just say that I completely trust that I am where I am supposed to be in my life. I'm happy with who I am and the values that I have chosen to incorporate into my life. I'm grateful for the people that are real and the people who value friendship. I'm grateful for the amazing circumstances that I am so blessed to have and the amazing people I have already met at my new place. 

If there is one thing I can beg you all to do it is to be nice. Be careful how you treat those you really care about and be careful with the words you choose and who you say them to. You never know who will be in the next room over hearing those things. 

Here's to the good times, here's to the new times!