Bachelor Week 6: Metaphors & Makeouts

For starters, in the promo we hear Sharleen say it’s best if she leaves. I told you she was going to eliminate herself at some point. She just doesn’t fit and I’m shocked she hasn’t gotten up the nerve to leave earlier.

We open with Juan Pablo in a plane. He’s just so excited because he’s The Bach-aye-lore and his fame is going through the roof. He just can’t wait until his spot on Dancing With the Stars is secured.  “It’s a beautiful place with rivers and mountains” He obviously hasn’t seen much of America. Because you know, we don’t have mountains or rivers anywhere at all. It’s one big flat as a pancake desert.

It sounded like they said they were staying at the hookah something resort? Are they just gonna sit around and get high while they cry because they didn’t have a one on one date?

Clare thinks that New Zealand is a beautiful place but it “has a dark cloud over it.” That couldn’t be because she walked the plank with Juan Pablo last week could it? Go ahead. Milk the situation for all it’s worth and get that spot light back on you. We know you didn’t do anything more than has previously happened on The Bachelor regardless of all the up roar this past week.

Andi get’s the first one on one “Let’s heat things up” Immediately Clare is pissed off. Shocker! We haven’t seen that before at all.

Renee and Cassandra miss their kids and they feel like they’re wasting their time. Hate to break it to you but you are. Even if he picks you in the end just take a glance at the past 26 seasons and you’ll realize you probably won’t stay together longer than 3 months anyways.

“We’re in the land of volcanoes and we can all feel the pressure” Is making cheesy metaphors a requirement during casting?

Juan Pablo really wanted to go on a date with Andi. But more like it was the producers chose her for the next Juan on Juan. They get on a boat that goes super fast … wait I got this… Being on a jet boat going this fast is just like this experience. Everything happens so fast and I’m just falling in love… How’d I do? Did I pass the horrible metaphor test?

Juan Pablo tells Andi that they’re going to go swimming and Juan Pablo rubs his hands together in excitement. I bet Cameeeela showed him how to act like a giddy five year old. He lifts Andi into the river because she’s definitely not capable of getting in on her own. They went down a little canyon that got pretty narrow. But if a camera guy and equipment can fit, well then, they definitely can. I’m sure this is the perfect spot for another cheesy metaphor. I will give Andi props for not freaking out like Chelsie or Nikki and taking ten years before doing something. Andi is just so happy that he’s taking care of her and that he’s helping her over rocks and making sure she doesn’t fall. She thinks that something really amazing could happen. Like they’ll make it back to the boat without being eaten by an alligator. That would be amazing. But being eaten by an alligator might be a better choice than a date with Juan Pabs at this point. 

They finally get to a waterfall and instantly start making out because apparently that’s what you do when you go to a waterfall. Especially if you’re on The Bachelor. Line 562 of the contract states so. He sure didn’t waste anytime with Andi. After last week with Clare you’d imagine that he wouldn’t want to touch any girl. And let’s be honest. I highly doubt he and Clare did the deed but what was so different between him and Clare vs. him and Andi? Because they sure got pretty handsy in that water fall. I guarantee that wasn’t any different than what happened with Clare last week. What are your thoughts on this? I’m SO curious to know what other people are thinking.

----I was going to insert a picture of the waterfall here but they basically look naked in all of them (even though they aren't). But I can't help but post a link to this picture if you want just go look at it. Please just notice where Juan Pablos shorts are. How is that any different than what happened with Clare?----

After their waterfall excursion they go have dinner by a geyser. Juan Pablo says it’s going to “blow her mind” Blow? Is that a geyser metaphor? Geez we’re like 15 minutes in and already we’ve heard like 20 of these cheesy things. Can someone please keep track one episode because it’s getting repulsive. A geyser goes off and “completely ruined their dinner.” I think Andi is kind of a crowd favorite but I find her kind of dull and boring. I mean isn’t there a happy medium between drama filled Clare and dull Andi? The most exciting thing Andi has done is make out in a snack shack and now a waterfall. If she is the next Bachelorette I’m pretty sure it will be just like Des’ season and let’s face it, they need to seriously mix it up.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and Clare realizes that she gets a one on one. Her second of the season. She’s just so happy because it will give them more time to hash and rehash the drama of the 4 am swimming debacle. Just what the producers were looking for! Lucky them!

Andi isn’t going to let the fact that dinner was ruined ruin her evening because there’s plenty more hours to be spent making out with him. Andi says she just can’t wait to have a family. Because that’s just what Juan Pablo wants to hear because in case ya’ll didn’t know, he’s a single dad. Juan pulls a rose out of his jacket like a bad magician at a mall show and Andi a-septs it. Then they make out some more. I’m pretty sure that’s all they did on their date.

Makeout, cheesy metaphor, makeout, cheesy metaphor, lather, rinse, repeat.

They continue to make out and at this point I’m just looking for my toothbrush because I just can’t handle watching him makeout with all these girls. I don’t know what it is about him vs other bachelors but he just… I don’t know. I just can’t handle it. 

Oh how convenient a Dyson vacuum commercial. They should get Juan Pablo to be a spokesman because he knows all about sucking…. Face.

Group date time. Is it just me or is Juan Pabs especially hard to understand this episode? Oh and in case you didn’t hear Cassandra say it the 13 times before, it’s her 22 birthday today. It was also Lucy’s birthday and guess what … she got sent home on her birthday. Sounds like a bad omen to me.  

They go and roll down a giant hill in massive hamster balls. Nikki and Juan Pablo just make out the whole way down. Can we please just start calling him the Bi-Polar Bachelor? Because it’s either like no, I’m not kissing anyone. Or all over everyone, all the time, eating their faces off.

They head to “Hobbiton” where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Which by the looks of all these girls you can tell they’ve read all the books and spent hours watching the movies. Juan Pablo hasn't read the books either because he wouldn't know what every other word mesa. Juan Pablo doesn’t know it yet but guess what ya’ll!? It’s Cassandra’s birthday!!!! Woah, why didn’t someone say so sooner?

Him and Renee get some one on one time. She’s worried that guys look at her and think of her as baggage. Well, they do. Just ask Kalon. He would say that anyone who’s got a child has some definite baggage and unfortunately, an extra 50 dollar fee won’t cover it. Don’t worry though; I’m sure we could get Emily to go all hood rat on any guy who calls a child baggage. And no one saw this coming but they make out. Renee says there’s sparks and chemistry and well, he obviously isn’t thinking that because it took him how many weeks to finally kiss her? 5 I believe.

Sharleen is questioning her feelings again for the 6^th straight episode. So she goes to talk to him and before she can get her first sentence out he’s already makin’ out with her. It seems to be a trend this episode.

Sharleen: “you don’t waste anytime.”

JP: “What does that mean?”

Hahahaha he doesn’t comprehend anything any girl says to him.

Juan says he’s feeling great. I wonder why. He’s getting what he wants from all the girls. Can I just say I loved how they played the “awkward” music while him and Sharleen were together. Too bad it wasn’t playing while this was actually going on. She keeps trying to talk to him and instead of trying to understand the things she says like “bland” and “wasting any time” he figures he’ll just keep kissing her. That way he doesn’t have to try and understand what anybody is saying. And the most awkward one-on-one time goes to Juan Pablo and his opera singer.

Cassandra thinks that she should get the rose strictly because it’s her birthday. Him and Cassandra actually have a conversation instead of swapping spit, which only means one thing. He’s not into her.

And the rose goes to Sharleen. He is super into her and she just doesn’t like him. It’s so interesting to me. It kind of cracks me up. Has this ever happened before where the main lead is super into someone who doesn’t reciprocate?

He pulls Cassandra aside, which can only mean one thing. Buh bye. Sorry, hun, he’s just not hooked on your phonics. And apparently Juan Pablo doesn’t like celebrating birthdays so instead of eating cake he’ll send them packing to celebrate with a gingerale and bag of peanuts on the plane. At least Lucy got to blow out a candle before being sent packing. He claims he didn’t know it was her birthday until after but I’m pretty sure he was informed and just chose to ignore it.

Clare and Juan Pabs meet up for a picnic. On some rocks. That looks really comfortable. Clare “needs answers.” About what? I’m not so sure. Oh! She wants to know about boundaries. Please, do tell. I’m super curious because it doesn’t seem like he has too many boundaries. Riddle me how a guy who goes on national television to find his “soul mate” thinks it’s inappropriate to hold hands in front of his daughter? I’m telling you, Bi-Polar Bachelor. He’s so concerned about being a good role model for Cameeeeela but he says he’s not going to kiss the girls and then he’s made out with every girl this episode (minus Kat).

Clare says that the day couldn’t have gone any better. Unless of course there was an ocean and it was 4a.m.

Clare: “In the past I’d just bolt”

JP: “wha”

Clare:“bolt”

JP: “What does that mean?”

Really? Ya’ll are fightin’ over this guy?

Well, at least birthday and Christmas presents will be easy. Rosetta Stone, English for Dummies, Dick and Jane books, Webster’s Dictionary.

Juan “really likes listening” to her. Because that’s all he can do is smile and nod because he doesn’t understand anything she is saying. They change into sweats so that they can have a rerun of last week. He gives her the rose and tries to use the word “bolt” but she has to correct him. Ha! Nice try Juan Pabs! In his interview… “I’m glad she didn’t bolt” This just keeps getting better! They “dance” and makeout… a lot. And she’s just so happy because wan pabs magically had a CD of the song from their first date, which Clare deems as “their song”. Barf. Did ya’ll notice how she wouldn’t even set the rose down? She seems to be here more to “win” than to find “true love”. I have a feeling she’ll be hanging around till at least the final 3. What do you guys think?

The storm clouds roll in and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. My guess is that Kat or Chelsie get sent home because both of them had virtually no air time this episode. Not a good sign for them.

Chelsie used the word “frazzled” Juan Pablo doesn’t know what that means

¹fraz·zle verb \ˈfra-zəl\

: to make (someone) very nervous or upset

he didn’t kiss Chelsie, which means she’s a candidate for the limo ride.

And if we’re being honest I was looking at blogs while he talked to Kat. It was just some sob story about her daddy issues and how because of that it’s hard for her to get close to any guy and I zoned out for the rest of that conversation. I do think he ended up kissing her though. So that just backs up my thoughts that it was either Kat or Chelsie going home.

Sharleen, Andi, and Clare are already safe

Nikki – gets a rose

Renee- gets a rose

Chelsie – gets a rose

I really did not think Chelsie was going to get a rose.

So now we are left with

-Sharleen

-Renee

-Nikki

-Clare

-Chelsie

- Andi

Let’s just play around with this for a second. We know that he doesn’t like Chelsie. It’s obvious from their one on one time. Sharleen doesn’t like him. So based on that I would say that Chelsie gets eliminated and we’ve already heard the voice over for Sharleen saying it’s best if she goes and the previews for next week show what looks like her telling him she’s leaving. I’m assuming she eliminates herself somewhere in the near future. I don’t see her going on to the hometown dates especially when she says every episode that she’s not feeling it. That would leave Renee, Nikki, Clare, and Andi as the final 4. Based off of the things he says and does with Clare I think she will make it to the final 3, 2 or possibly be his final pick. I don’t see him with Renee in the long run, they just don’t mesh that well and she could do better. So I’m assuming from what we’re seeing that Andi, Clare, and Nikki will be the final 3. If I had to guess from those three, I would guess that he picks Clare in the end. What do you guys think?