This week The Bachelorette ordered extra cheese on their
opening scenes. Andi in a gondola, the boys hanging out and pondering on an old
time boat, a low camera angle as Andi is walking through town, and a shot
of her on a Romeo and Juliet esque balcony. Cause we all stand and ponder in
public places on the daily.
When we first see Andi was I the only one who noticed that
she got her hair did? It looked like they were attempting the ever so popular
ombre look but it was a crash and burn probably brought to us by the Suave hair
care professionals. It basically looked like she used a bad store brand dye
that went horribly wrong and didn’t fade to her roots like the ombre is
typically supposed too…. Did I really just go off on hair for a whole paragraph?
My apologies. Back to the point… or back to me wasting my time writing about a
television show that will in no way benefit me or alter the history of the
world…
She announces that one date will start right then… I think
they thought it would add drama but all it did was spare us a cheesy saying on
a date card. Josh thought he would get the date card because two one on one
dates in a row happens every season, right?
Well Nick gets the date and off they go. And what lesson did
we all just learn? I think it goes something like “the squeaky wheel gets the
grease.”
Before we get to their date can we please just take a moment
and talk about the outfit choices of the guys? Chris’ pink shorts, Josh’s neon
green shirt, and Marcus’ extremely red jacket… apparently they're going to go hit
up 80’s night and the local pizzeria while Nick tries his best to convince Andi
he’s not really a total douche.
They get on a gondola and go for a ride to advertise for Venice’s
public transportation that nobody knows about. Nick says he’s going to try not
to be “salty” (Andi’s favorite adjective for him last week). So to show her
this he chose some excellent body language, you know, crossed arms, crossed
legs, very inviting and reassuring. The boat was pretty lopsided; Nick’s ego
obviously was weighing his side of the boat down. I’d be lying if I said I
didn’t want that gondola to tip over and dump them in the waters of Venice AKA
their sewer system.
They casually float by a wedding… doesn’t it seem they
always happen to just “randomly” run into weddings all the time on this show?
There is nothing “real” about this “reality” tv show.
They figure to keep with the theme of an extremely sanitary
date, i.e. floating down the sewer, they should go let the dirtiest birds known
to all of man, also known as flying rats, also known as pigeons, climb all over
them. Yummy.
They then head to go pick out masks to wear to dinner. Andi
has him try on a solid black one… but wait? Didn’t that already get burned and
thrown in the fire when Jeff got eliminated on Ashley’s season?
Onto the dinner portion…
Andi floats up in a gondola holding up a mask about as
awkwardly as she holds the roses at the rose ceremony (anyone noticed that?).
Andi thinks Nick looks like a prince in his tux. I think he looks like a
pubescent boy awkwardly standing at his first prom. And it didn’t help when he says
Cody hurt his feelings. I think it’s clear that Nick is the deemed “villan”
this season… or at least the one that the guys dislike the most.
He tells her he’s falling in love and that’s all Andi ever
needs to hear. He gets the rose and they go to a “masquerade ball” And Andi
awkwardly holds her mask up. The. Whole. Time. She makes a big deal about him
putting the mask on and then rips it off ten seconds later. Her dress was so
awkward and big so they obviously couldn’t go more than 20 feet away from the
dinner table and so they dance and make out in front of an audience of 5.
Group date
Apparently they were all told to wear blue/navyblue/tan/white. JJ is the only one wearing something a little different but that’s all
we could expect from the pantsepaneur.
They tie a Unicorn balloon on her so they won’t lose her
like a small child. I’m sure they also put an “if lost, please return to Chris
Harrison Nick” tag on her as well. They go to a medieval castle to take a lie
detector test. Because I don’t know about you guys but that’s the very first
thing that pops into my head when I think Italy. Italians…. Lie detector tests.
It’s like PB&J, right?
Josh starts trying to figure out how accurate the machines
are so he can calculate just how much of his douchbaggery he can hide from her.
It was pretty entertaining to watch him have a melt down about it.
Is your name josh? Yes
Have you ever cheated on a test? Yes
Are you here for the right reasons? Yes
Are you falling in love with Andi? Yes
And because you were all wondering….
Jj is good in bed and
Dylan doesn’t wash his hands
So naturally, the next shot shows her and Dylan holding
hands walking. Hahaha. Dylan says he wasn’t feeling good and goes back to the
hotel but we can all tell that he really isn’t sick and the only thing he
really has is a guaranteed ticket back to the states.
Andi says that trust is the most important thing in a
relationship so naturally the way she shows this is by not trusting them and
making them prove their honesty through a dramatic test.
3 told no lies
1 told 2 lies
and 2 told 3 lies
of course lies should be more like “lies” because how
accurate are those things anyways?
Andi gets their “results” and they make the whole situation
even more dramatic by having her rip up the papers… that probably leads to
better ratings, right?
The guys sit around and talk about who the “Secret admirer”
is and at this point we know it is Chris. Chris is so awkward that I don’t know
how the guys missed it. The only thing he can manage to awkwardly get out of
his mouth during this conversation is “what the hell?” and the guys still don’t
suspect a thing.
Josh and Andi have their one on one time and Josh says he is
glad that she ripped up the papers because that’s not a good way to build trust
and he prefers to trust people without that stuff. Andi immediately assumes
that he’s lying and isn’t being honest…. Rushing to conclusions much? It was
almost like a rerun of what happened with Eric and I honestly started thinking
that that would be the end of Josh. Of course, Andi starts balling and whining about it
and playing the victim card like she does.
Chris steals her away next… in the most awkward way possible. He
tells her he’s the “secret admirer” but then again who else would it have been?
Josh obviously wouldn’t do that from his comments earlier.
JJ is too quirky.
Cody couldn’t hold a pencil to write because his huge arms
would just snap the pencil in half.
Brian coaches basketball… he isn’t in charge of the poetry
society, those notes aren’t from him.
I guess it potentially could have been Marcus but eh.
Dylan didn’t care enough to stay on the date let alone sit
around and write letters during the hours he’s locked up in a hotel.
Nick is too insensitive and the only love letters he’s
writing are to himself.
Which leaves quiet, cute, awkward Chris… the perfect formula
for a love writing farm hand from Iowa. And that earned him the group date
rose.
Cody finally gets his well-deserved one on one date… He’s
one of the most laid back, patient, optimistic guys left. They head to Juliet’s
courtyard, play tourists, and then head to Club De Giuelietta and respond to
letters of people pleading for help in their love lives. Because the best
people to give advice about love are people who resort to a television show to
find their one and only “true love”.
They head to dinner… when they showed Andi was I the only
one who thought she was wearing an extremely short white dress? Well turns out
they were just tan pants. Not a very good ensemble choice for a televised
production. Cody reads his own letter that he wrote. He goes off and keeps
talking and it’s clear that Andi is not into him. Unfortunately he doesn’t see
the obvious signs so he keeps going. She starts freaking out (as per ushe) and
to sum it up, she sends him packing. I was disappointed to see him leave. I
knew they wouldn’t end up together but he had a good personality, was super
optimistic, was grateful for every group date he got, and overall I thought he
was a standout guy.
Andi says she doesn’t want to be the cause of anyone’s
pain…. So hey Andi, can you please explain the Juan Pablo blow up, and
screaming at Eric, and Cody, and most of all please explain why you chose to
date 25 guys at once if you don’t want to be the “cause of anyone’s pain”.
Rose Ceremony
Andi walks into the cocktail party and before Andi even says
hello to anybody, Nick throws a glass of wine at her and steals her away. When
a guy throws a drink at a girl that fast all I can think is date rape drug!
Date rape drug!
But all Andi thinks is…
“That is a man, that is a man right there”
No honey, that is an immature, arrogant, jerk of a guy, with
raging hormones because you’re the only one he’s messed around with in two
months and he just wants to get some.
In the end it was JJ who got sent packing. Andi tries to
make it better by saying “JJ” the way she said it on their old couple date.
They go outside and talk Andi rambles. And with that he left.
With JJ gone the boys that are left have some pretty big
pants to fill! ;)