And Another Season of The Bachelor Begins

I've had some people ask me if I'm going to be blogging about The Bachelor this time around. Well, no I will not because it is no longer The Bachelor. This season it is the BACH-AYE-LORE. Last season I fell off the band wagon and stopped midway through the season. I wasn't consistent to begin with because, let's face it, Des was a freaking BORE!!!! And call me crazy but I don't see how you can be that heart broken over one guy and then the next day get ENGAGED to someone else! Anyways… Juan Pablo. Did you know he's a dad!?!? I had no idea! Why ABC is keeping this such a big secret is unclear to me.

I wasn't stoked he was picked. But rumor has it that this season premiere had more viewers than the past few seasons so apparently the rest of the world disagrees with me.

So Monday's episode…

Sean shows up because, you know, Juan Pablo and him are the best of friends. Sean gives some "advice" on how to find true love. His advice was pretty solid. He said that Catherine, his now fiancé, "wasn't even on his radar the first few weeks" I'm sure that just made Catherine go weak in the knees.
If we're being honest Arie's advice will always trump all. His kissing tips? Freaking hilarious.

Let's get talkin' about this seasons desperate contestants ladies. First I must say that I was pretty shocked with the limo exits this season… (wow I almost wrote semester. Thank you college). They were the tamest we have seen in quite some time. It made the girls look… normal? I'm not going to talk about them all because… I don't want to.

- Cassandra- after saying hello there was the most awkward silence I've possibly ever heard on that show. She may as well have turned around and crawled back into that limo.

- Nikki - She gets out and has a stethoscope. She wants him to "listen" to how nervous she is. But basically she's saying "Hey, I know we just met a nano second ago but here's my boob, go ahead… let's get to second base."

- Kat - umm her name is Kat Hurd. I'll leave it at that and now please start this video at 2:57 and thank me later.

Oh do you know what Juan Pablo said as Cat Terd Kat Hurd walked away? "Ooo, she smells good." Oh the irony.

- Lucy- since when did "Free Spirit" qualify for an occupation. She obviously just escaped a mental institution hence the lack of foot wear.

- Chelsie - She is a "Science Educator" because saying teacher was just too easy.

- Ashley - is a teacher. I mean Adolescent Educator. And gave Juan Pablo a gold star for coming on a reality show to choose his next ex wife. Was that gold star worthy?

- Clare - Her name should have an I in it, but whatevs. She comes out with what we all knew was a fake baby bump. Let's be honest. They would NEVER cast someone on that show who was knocked up. If a girl was pregnant and applied she wouldn't meet their weight requirements anyways.

- Kylie - not me Kylie. Red headed, heinous pink dress Kylie.

- Sharleen - Juan Pablo liked her right away. He commented on her dress multiple times throughout the night and I was pretty impressed seeing as she was the only one not poppin' out the front. But then I saw the major side boob…

Fast forward to the cocktail party … cue the interviews with the girls proclaiming how they're so in love with him, and they wouldn't be here if it was anyone else, and how their last relationship was a total train wreck, and how they're so ready for love, and how getting that rose is so crucial, and how sexy his accent is, and how he's such a great father, and and and do you really want me to continue? It's like a broken record. The same crap every season.

They thought bringing in a photo booth would be a fun way to spice up the season. Really all it did was make us viewers suffer by watching 27 girls make duck faces all night while pretending to be besties.

Nikki gets the first one on one time. Everyone says that she reminds them of Ali Fedotowsky. I don't see it. Juan Pablo doesn't remember her name and she has to tell him, "Nikki the Nurse." Then she suggests that they should just leave right then and there. Yes. Please. Spare us the next however many episodes.

Then there's Amy J. Oh Amy J. What. The. Crap. That has to be the most awkward thing I've watched for quite some time. Her "massage" made her look like a registered sex offender. And did anyone else notice how right after she put oil on her hands she started rubbing his shoulders… with his suit on. He can kiss that suit goodbye and while he's at it kiss Amy J. goodbye as well.

A little bit later Chris Harrison walks in with the first impression rose and all the girls start freaking out. Because if you don't get that EXACT rose. You can basically just pack your bags, hop back on your piano bike, and head off into LA rush hour.

I feel like the main focus of the cocktail party was Lauren H. and her mammoth sized insecurities. I'm no where near as gorgeous as she is, not even on the same scale, and I'm not THAT insecure. Maybe she was just smashed and it was all alcohol tears.

Then Juan Pablo goes and talks to Sharleen. Who is probably the first honest girl to ever be on The Bachelor The Bach-aye-lore and she says that she's just not feeling it with him. I personally thought their time together was awkward and weird but obviously Juan Pablo didn't feel the same and gave her the first impression rose. Her response? "Seriously?" Then she just sits and stares at it for a good ten minutes before she finally stutters out a "sure." And why the freak did she keep calling him "sir"? "Thank you Sir"… weird.

The rose ceremony wasn't anything super exciting. The most exciting thing that happened was that when he called up Cat Terd Kat Hurd, Kylie thought he said Kylie and not Kat. I went back and watched it and can totally see why she thought he said Kylie. I mean… have you heard the guy talk… have you read his tweets? I think they might have to not only provide subtitles for the viewers, but the girls as well. I don't think it would have been as big of a deal if Kylie actually got a rose but she didn't and so in the end it just made her look like a bigger fool. She then said that ABC set her up which I don't actually doubt. Even though this show is classified as reality, it's anything but.

The previews for the rest of the season seem pretty typical. Crying, bungee jumping, crying, fireworks, crying, make out sessions, crying, voice overs of how they've fallen in love, crying, etc, etc, etc.

I must say that I do not have any favorite girls this season. I've kind of given up on picking someone I want to "win". It's hard to pick someone once you realize how fake the show actually is.

What did ya'll think of the first episode?