Bach-Aye-Lore Week 3: She's a Leeeetle Nervous

This is week 3? I can't even keep track. It feels like week 13 to me. Has anyone else noticed that Chris Harrison hasn't been around as much. Can't say I miss it that much. I mean after 26 seasons we know the drill… date cards, pack your bags, roses, some won't get dates, final rose tonight, take a moment say your goodbyes.

Cassandra, one of the single moms, gets the first Juan on Juan date. Juan told her he wouldn't keep her around if he wasn't feeling it so are we really surprised after her little break down last week that she got the one on one?  She's just so excited because her last first date was 3 years ago.

Juan Pablo picks her up in a Jeep and they head out on their adventure. They head to the beach and drive straight into the water. Juan obviously spent a good 7 days learning how to drive this thing before their actual date. I personally think they should've just explained it and let him go. It would've made for more exciting television. As they head towards a yacht another boat comes over. "How fast does it go?" Since Juan is very manly and knows all about cars, motors, sports dancing, cooking, and roses his response is "really fast!" Thank you Juan for clearing that up. He then follows up by telling his fellow Gilligan Islanders that "It's a water car." I guess he's never heard the saying if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck. Cassandra is just having so much fun because her last first date was 3 years ago. Before this date she wasn't really sure, but since spending these five additional minutes with Juan Pablo, she's definitely in love now. As they're on the boat we hear Cassandra's voice over, "I think I'm going to just trust him and jump in with him" Cue them jumping off the yacht. Oh ABC, you're so clever. Trusting him was a really big step for her because it's been 3 years since she's met a man like this and been on a date, just in case you didn't catch that the first 3 times she said that.

After that they head back to Juan Pablo's place. Cassandra is really excited because she's never had a guy cook her dinner before and she hasn't been on a date since she was 18. Which brings me to this next little fact. Cassandra is 21…. twenty. one. Juan Pablo is 31. That's ten years. Obviously. She might be the youngest girl that's been on The Bachelor. I'm not against age gaps but ten years seems like a lot when you're only 21. Back to them cooking dinner. Juan Pablo can tell that she is ah leeetle nervous so he figures that awkwardly dancing in the kitchen with no music will be just the remedy.

She really liked that because she hasn't been on a date in 3 years. She starts to show Juan Pablo pictures of her son but he counters with showing her Cameeeela. He doesn't really care about her son. Juan Pablo says "Cassandra… I look at her and I'm like daaaaaaaaiiuuum Cassandra is beautiful." But you know she's a single mom and he doesn't really dig that because who can't make a relationship work with their baby daddy? Yada yada yada… Cassandra, will you ah-sept this rose? Sure I will because the last time I went on a date was 3 years ago, so why not?

The group date card said "Let's kick it" Hmm that's a tough one. Wonder what they'll be doing. They show Juan Pablo walking out of the tunnel like he's David freaking Beckham. Umm, no. " I have Cameeeela, but this is my other half." If that was the case and you were so pro, why aren't you playing anymore?

The girls pull up to the stadium. "As soon as I saw the stadium, I knew we were playing soccer." Really? What gave that away? Could it have been the fact that ABC is milking this "pro soccer player" for more than it will ever be worth, or was it the card that said "Let's kick it," or was it the fact that the producers told you to wear sports bras and tennis shoes? Alli says that she's played soccer for her whole life so isn't this just the prime opportunity for her to make herself look like a fool? The girls come out from the tunnel… so dramatic. I'm pretty sure ABC told them, "come out looking as tough and pissed off as you possibly can." So basically, just be normal.

The game was labeled "intense" many times. Because you know 10 girls running around like a herd of pigeons fighting over that bread crumb can get pretty intense. It was basically a life or death kind of game. "The blue team es loosing badly so I'ma gonna hilp them." I believe even with the help of the "pro" the blue team still lost.

Nikki gets the first Juan on Juan time and it appears to go fairly well. Don't really have much to say about it. Andi on the other hand… takes Juan Pablo and immediately dodges for the snack shack. Because nothing says romantic like making out in a gross concession stand that smells like left over hot dogs and sweaty workers. Next time we'll have to call in Mr. Fletcher to take away her snack shack time. Jimmy Fallon anybody? Camp Winnipesaukee?

Sharleen gets the next one on one time. They head down to the middle of the field. Sharleen is unlike any other girl they've had on this show before for oh so many reasons. I don't even remember how their conversation went because it was basically covered up by the sound of all of America vomiting over her kissing skills. Horrendous doesn't even begin to describe it. Kissing her looked like the equivalent of a pre-teen practicing their kissing skills on the mirror. And she wouldn't stop!!!! He stops and tries to make conversation and she just… oh my gosh. I can't even go on. My puke bucket is full. And she doesn't even like him!!!

Nikki got the rose… which I kind of find ironic since he didn't kiss her but did kiss Andi and Sharleen.

Chelsie, our "Science Educator" got the second one on one date.

Juan Pablo goes to pick up Chelsie for their date. In case you hadn't caught it by now, Elise isn't jealous at all. "When Juan Pablo walked in he didn't even look at Chelsie, he looked at me."

Juan Pablo says that the date is going to be something seeemeeeee scary. They get in the car to drive and Juan Pablo says, "I can tell she's nervous so I'm going to make her a leeeeetle more comfortable." Cue awkward dancing…. just like he did with Cassandra… deja vu! Watch out girls… If you're feeling a leeetle nervous you should be reeeeally nervous because the dancing will start.

Back at the mansion Elise can't let it go. "She's a baby, she's 24." Umm do they not realize that Cassandra is 21? "I don't look at her as a woman… she's a little girl. So I'm not worried or concerned." Which is exactly why you've spent the past day and a half freaking out over it. Got it. You're not worried.

Chelsie and Juan Pablo stop in at a restaurant. Chelsie is all excited, "He's telling me what to try and how to eat it…" Umm like put it in your mouth. How hard of a concept is that? After that they head to the bridge. Because bungee jumping right after stuffing your face is def a good idea. Let's summarize real quick. Chelsie freaks out and we get to spend a good 15 minutes watching her decide. But a relationship is all about trust so if she won't jump the relationship is basically over. Juan Pablo then says the usual… "she's a leeetle nervous so I'm going to try to make her feel comfortable." Okay Juan are you going to start dancing on the edge of that platform? And in case you missed the umpteen promos they showed… They ended up jumping. And they kissed… just like Jake and Vienna and if that's any sign, that relationship is already doomed. Chelsie is now convinced that if they can do that together there isn't anything they can't do. There were also about a hundred more comparisons of trust and love and jumping and falling. Bleh.

During dinner they discuss their biggest fears. Juan Pablo says his is not being a good example to his daughter. Well you left her mom and decided that coming on a "reality" TV show to find her new mommy would be a good idea. Good example Bub.

Chelsie notices there's a rose on the table. Because that's never happened before. She says if the tables were turned she would definitely pick him blah blah blah. Well honey, if the tables were turned that rose would be on the ground, which is pretty much where they all belong this season. They hear music and go running. I was crossing my fingers the whole time it would actually be someone we've heard of before and thank heavens it's Billy Currington! But watching Juan Pablo dance to country music was even more painful than watching Sean on Dancing with the Stars. Chelsie gets a rose.

The next day Juan Pablo shows up at the mansion to make breakfast. Kelly comes down to take the dog out and basically makes herself look like an idiot by hiding her face and barely even acknowledging him. Renee handled it very well and quite honestly I really like her. She seems genuine and normal… why is she on this show? Then Elise comes in and immediately asks him if he had a good times yesterday. Goodness girl. Give it up!

Instead of a cocktail party they decide to do a pool party so that the girls didn't have to get all ready and it can just be a laid back day. Yeah, right. We know the girls "got ready."



 Juan thinks it's a great day to be the bach-aye-lore. Basically the big drama was that Sharleen stole Juan Pablo away for a little bit. Because we didn't see enough of her awkward kissing. Clare gets super upset because she's in love with him and it's not fair he's seeing other girls even though that's exactly what she signed up for. So she leaves and goes and locks herself in the bathroom. Someone should remind her about Victoria and how well that ended for her.

At the rose ceremony it was Lucy and Christy that get sent home.

Oh yeah, and it was Lucy's birthday that day. Happy Birthday! Now, go home! Ouch.



Dang these recaps are getting long. Anyone want to take over next week? haha