DESperate: Bachelorette Edition

Well it’s that time of year again… the bachelorette..... and hockey playoffs. So what do you do when they're on at the same time? Watch them both of course! 

Umm is it just me or did The Bachelor end like yesterday? Usually it seems like there’s a few months in-between seasons but not this time. I don’t know. I feel like it’s always on. But I haven’t missed a season yet, so why start now?

I’ll admit, I wasn’t excited that Desiree was chosen for The Bachelorette. I was never really a fan of hers. I would have rather seen Lesley. Or what the heck, Tierra might have been a freaken riot to watch! Can you imagine how many more tierrable jokes we’d have? Des just seems… boring. Maybe she’ll grow on me, who knows.

The show intro/promo was fun. Did you hear the sound clip of a guy saying, “the air get’s sucked out of the room” every time Des walks in? That just seems like more of an insult than a compliment. Then they head on over to the “someone’s got a girlfriend” bit. This has already been played up way too much and the show started what? 2 minutes ago?  Then the whole montage of why she’s ready for love, how lucky she is to be here, it’s a fairytale, yada yada yada crap begins. I must say I am very happy her bangs are gone. They drove me nuts last season (wow, I almost wrote last semester. Thank you, college). She looks much better without them. Anyways let’s move onto the guys.

The video intros… these are always interesting.

Will… just walkin around high fiving people on the street. Umm, no. Just no. Oh and he already yelled that he loves this woman. Who he hasn’t even met yet. Yep, he’s in love. We may as well shut this thing down right now and call it a season.

Nick. He’s a tailor/magician. Apparently a lot of people found his profession “the best in bachelor/bachelorette history” umm I personally just think it’s weird. How many girls out there can honestly say that that tailor/magician label describes their ultimate dream guy? Not I. He won’t be around long, I’m calling it now.

I’m Zak W. and I’m from the middle of nowhere. I thought that was a pretty awesome way to describe it. Then we see him standing on his deck. Buck naked… watching a deer. Coincidence? I vote no. Those producers are so punny. Well now that we know he likes to be naked it’s a good thing he lives in the middle of nowhere. I for one am hoping he’s not contemplating some big move to New York anytime soon.

Then we have Robert AKA the infamous sign twirler. Scratch that… sign twirler inventor. That sign just has winner written all over it!

Then there’s Brandon, the wakeboarder. I immediately liked him. He seems like a nice genuine guy. I’d snatch up a guy that was as good looking as he is and loves boating just as much as I in a heartbeat. It also helps that on his bio he says he likes hockey. Automatic win in my eyes. *swoon* (at least for now)

Onto the limo entrances. Boy, these were just bad this season. Bad.

Brooks was the first out. . . another Salt Laker? Puh leeze can we just move away from the 801 arena? I’m pretty sure we’ve had our fair share of representin’ in the recent past seasons cough, Bentley, Michelle Money, Jef Holm, cough cough.

Of the first 4 guys out of the limo I’m pretty sure 3 of them forgot to tell her their name. We’re on a roll. Whoop… five guys out and already two have brought up the wish factor. How original.

Ooh Kasey with a K! I was hoping he’s as certifiably nuts as Kasey Kahl was. We’ve got to keep up the name reputation. Then he opened his mouth and started spittin’ hashtags. Yup, the Kasey name holds up. He then gave her his hashtags for her #perfectbachelorette #marriagematerial #letthejourneybegin in my opinion? #shutupnow #noroseforyou #gohome #sosickof#

Cue Jonathan. Enter stage right, keep walking, do not stop, exit stage left. He’s basically a creeper that wouldn’t take no for an answer and ended up leaving in a white van. Hashtag irony.

Zak shows up… shirtless. That confirms my suspicions, he’s definitely a closet nudist. You know those signs “No shoes, no shirt, no service” Desiree should implement that here. 

Creeper Larry… his little dance? Yeah, didn’t go so well. It went about as well as that girls back walkover on the last season of The Bachelor. *headshake* when will they ever learn? I think we all know he’s a goner.

Then there’s Mr. I’m going to wear a full freaken suit of armor to get my point across. Well, that was just weird. At least it made it look like he and Des planned matching outfits. I’m pretty sure the only good part about this was when one of the guys said “Don’t go near the water, you’re probably not gonna float” Peace out Diogo, you’re outta here.

Robert…. Or as rumor has it “Bobby” he can’t stand wearing clothes so he rips his tie off. I’m just having major déjà vu from last season… 50 shades of gray girl come to anyone elses mind? 

Anyways… moving on….

Juan Pablo… I don’t have much to say about him other than I could’ve really used some subtitles. eesh.

Then there’s Brian
Then there’s Ben
Then there’s Brody (Ben’s son who did all his dirty work)
But don’t forget there’s also
Brooks and

Anyone else feel like we’re reading a page straight out of a baby name book?

Finally the clown car limo was empty and it was onto the cocktail party. I don’t really have much to say about it. I found it boring and nothing stood out to me much. I felt it was typical and we’d seen it all before.

In the end Des sent six guys packing. The magician made himself disappear. The suit of armor didn’t protect Diogo one bit. And the ER doctor couldn’t save his own life. 

As my brother (who is lactose intolerant, who also only watches the show because he's "extremely bored", even though we all know he really loves it) said, "this season is so cheesy, I'm lactarding!"

Yes, yes it is. But I'm sure in the end it will be the "most dramatic/exciting/romantic/unforgettable season of The Bachelorette ever" 


  1. You didn't even mention my favorite, Bryton! Oh yes, Jonathan. I didn't even know his name... I just knew him as "fantasy suite fail" dude. Who was the Hashtag dude?

  2. Kylie! You're killing me! I'm laughing sooooo hard. You always hit the nail on the head! Can't wait for the season, just to read your take on everyone and everything!!

  3. Kylie, I don't even WATCH the bachelorette but I read your recap and am laughing out loud!!!! I may have to give this season a go.. if not, I hope you keep recapping.. hysterical!!

  4. I haven't watched it yet but I can already tell it will be funny, all those B names!!!