Farmer Chris: A Serial Kisser AKA Bachelor Week 3

Okay, I've been super super sick lately and didn't even start doing recaps when the season first started. I thought about doing it last week and then it just didn't happen. I almost didn't do it this week either but I thought, why not? It's kind of been a staple on my blog for quite some time now. I know I'm starting on week 3 but this whole consistent blogging thing hasn't been my forte lately. So hopefully we'll get some weekly recaps going. 

The episode starts with Jimmy Kimmel creeping in on a sleeping Farmer Chris. Apparently he’s “taking over” this week and we had no idea because ABC didn’t clue us in at all. He makes an appearance at the mansion and brings out the “amazing jar” and tells them he’s just there to sleep with them all. I wonder how his wife feels about that. He never lets this “joke” go for the rest of the episode. Let's be honest. Chris Harrison doesn't do anything on the show so why in the world would we need a co-host of sorts? If the girls were wondering why the dates weren't as extravagant this week I think they could find the answer by that check in Jimmy Kimmel's pocket. 

Kaitlyn gets the first date card and everyone thinks it is going to be extravagant. Well, they went to Costco. I think the only person who would like this date would be my dad. Costco is the only store he goes to. Anyways, Farmer Chris has probably never seen a store this size since he is from Podunk farm town, population: him. Once he asked where the "toy isle" was I am sure he has never been to Costco before. 

I’m not quite sure what Kaitlyn decided to wear on the date. It was an interesting outfit choice if I do say so myself. She made it clear that she was bummed they went to Costco for their date but if she can’t handle that then she isn’t the one for Farmer Chris. If going to Costco isn’t exciting for her then sitting at home with a weekly trip to the Piggly Wiggly isn’t going to suffice.

They go back to his place and make out and Farmer Chris has lipstick smeared all over his face. It was safe to say his lips were a full on Revlon Strawberry Topaz shade of pink. Jimmy of course has to show up. They cook dinner and Jimmy awkwardly stays the rest of the night. Kaitlyn says she’s into farmers and Jimmy asks her questions about it…

Jimmy: you’ve dated farmers

Kaitlyn: … uhhh yeah……

Jimmy: What kind of farmers were they?

Kaitlyn:…… umm…. Like legit farmers. Like with cows.

Jimmy: So how many farmers have you dated.

Kaitilyn…uhhh just one actually.

Nothing like catching you in your lies Kaitlyn.

Ever since she stepped out of the limo and said something along the lines of “You can plow my field anytime” I haven’t liked Kaitlyn. She’s not very lady like. So on second thought, maybe she does belong in a field in the middle of no where. Anyways, still don’t like her. She also has some really weird choices for tattoo placement.

Group date time….

They have a little farm obstacle course and Carly wins. As her prize she gets a photo op where they dress up like the famous American Gothic painting. Do they realize that in the painting it is supposed to be a farmer and his daughter? Not like husband and wife …. So there’s that.

Carly kisses Farmer Chris during their alone time.

Amber kisses Farmer Chris during their alone time.

Jillian kisses Farmer Chris during their alone time.

Mackenzie, little 21 year old Mackenzie, gets pissed off because he’s kissing other girls. Has she ever seen The Bachelor before? Probably not. it was probably on after her bedtime.  How did she even get cast on this show? She’s 21. 21! And Farmer Chris is 33. 33! I totally understand age gaps in relationships. I do. But the maturity level between 21 and 33 is quite drastic. How she made it on the show and how she is still around is beyond me.

Becca gets the group date rose. I actually really like Becca even though I feel like we haven’t seen much of her yet. One of my top favorites. 

Whitney gets the next one on one date with Farmer Chris. They go to a winery and sit and have awkward conversation and “decide” they’re going to go “crash” this wedding. They go change and get a present… more like the producers handed them one…. And they head off to the reception. And of course they have to make it dramatic by having Farmer Chris say, “we could end up in jail.” hahaha Riiiiiiight. Don't fret Farmer Chris, ABC already made sure it was okay to have you go. 

I’m pretty sure this was super set up… they have video of them at the wedding. Whether it was with an actual camera or a phone is beside the point. If someone was videoing that much, regardless on what device, someone was bound to know. Also the people’s faces weren’t blurred out which means ABC must have gotten their permission. So yeah that was super “spontaneous”! Just like the rest of the show, right? 

I wonder if they paid for Farmer Chris to take dance lessons... because it really paid off. 

It must have been super convenient that they didn’t have another activity planned for that night.

Also I’m pretty sure the song they had playing when they were slow dancing was on previous seasons of this show. Like pretty sure. How could any of us Bachelor fans forget that cringe worthy song? 

Anyways Whitney gets a rose.

Surprise, no cocktail party. Pool party instead. We’ve seen it before.

Ashley I. was super bummed that she couldn’t do her “Kardashian look” tonight. Cue the limo. We’ve had enough of her.

Juelia tells Farmer Chris about how she lost her husband and it was pretty sad.

Cut to commercial break… come back and they pretend that whole depressing conversation didn’t just happen.

Jade gets Farmer Chris to take her to his place. There she decides they need to “test his bed”. Also, did you check out her hooker shoes she brought to the pool party? So they make out while Jillian is awkwardly standing outside in his hot tub, which, by the way, is not filled up with ketchup. Blame Farmer Chris and Kaitlyn for that one. 

Megan, Mackenzie, and Ashley I. go and awkwardly meet up with Jillian and Farmer Chris in the hot tub. The three of them talk about who should get the next alone time and Farmer Chris just sits there awkwardly watching. Man up Farmer Chris and take some initiative. He obviously didn't want to take to any of the three. 

Ashley I. Finally gets her alone time after having a cry fest and she’s happy.

So the kiss count this far if you weren’t keeping track….

Kaitylyn, Carly, Amber, Jillian, Whitney, Britt, Jade, and Ashley I.

I think it’s safe to say that Farmer Chris is a serial kisser compared to previous bachelors. And we thought they were bad. 

Rose Ceremony time… Ashley I. is called last and about craps her pants.

Amber, Trina, and Tracy are sent packing.

2 last things….

1. How is crazy eyed Ashley still around??

And

2. I caught 2 “amazings” that they didn’t ding that stupid bell for. How many did you catch?

16 Life Lessons Learned From The Bachelor

Well look who finally made it back to her blog. Nice of me to show up, right?  To say this summer has been crazy and hectic is an understatement. I think this is the first time in weeks that I have been home longer than 3 days. 

Anyways, we all know that The Bachelor/Bachelorette is a regular topic on this here blog so I figured why not acknowledge all the wonderful things it has taught us through the many seasons. Here we go...

16. Always bring your grandma on your first date 

15. Facial impressions are crucial 

14. Always be yourself 

even if that means wearing a mask the whole time, or a tiara, or being naked, or having vampire fangs

13. Saying "stahhhp" is a flirty way to say don't stop

12. When in doubt cry. Always be in doubt. 

11. The most hated girl will always win

10. When it doesn't work out, keep coming back 

9. It is acceptable to get engaged after 4 weeks of non-exclusive dating

8. If you can't be their favorite one, be the crazy one. 

7. Never show up empty handed 

6. Repeatedly saying it's okay, will in fact make everything okay 

5. First impressions are crucial 

4. Always expose your troubling memories, life experiences, and your past 7 divorces on the first date

3. Never have a normal occupation 

2. If you're innocent, run away

1. To prove your love... always get a tattoo

Bachelor Week 7: A Girl Fight & An Exit

So this is basically an eternity late. I had it written Monday night but this week has been quite interesting (more on that later) and I didn't end up posting it until today. Obviously. I thought about not even posting it but I figured I had it written so why not.

The episode starts and we are basically 100% positive that Sharleen will in fact be going home this episode. Seeing as we go from 6 to 4 and I highly doubt she goes on a hometown date.  It’s also very clear that Clare and Nikki hate each other. It’s starting to remind me of the Alli and Vienna feud.

“We’re back in Miami, where everything began” Actually Juan Pabs… you need to study your geography because I’m pretty sure this Bach-aye-lore thing started in Cali.

They so kindly get delivered a box of skimpy swimwear. Apparently Sharleen and Andi’s one pieces upset the producers. I’m pretty sure this season is the first in 26 that we have seen a one piece or semi one piece on this show.

Chelsie just wants time but she should realize by now that she is also definitely going home because it’s obvious that he’s not digging her. Juan Pablo hands the date card to Sharleen. Sharleen’s first unintelligent comment of this season “I read it?” Yes honey, that seems to be the trend from the past 6 weeks. 

Clare is super pissed off that Sharleen got the one on one date. Because the fact that she had her second one last week is just totally unfair. She’s about as pleasant to listen to as a telemarketer. I think he actually should take Clare on another one on one date. They can go bunjee jumping and for the first time in Bachelor history, the rope won’t work and we’ll never have to hear  how hard her life is again.

Chelsie is also pissed Sharleen got the date.

Clare: “What is Sharleen?”

    

Well, she’s a NORMAL person who finds this process of falling in “love” over the course of a max of 40 days totally absurd. 

Andi is also pissed that she got the date.

Time for their date.

Sharleen asks JP if she seems uptight and he actually knows what that means… or does he? His response… “not that tight.” And of course all he wants to do is kiss her. I don’t understand why he likes her so much. Not that she’s not a decent girl it’s just that they don’t seem to fit. I guess it’s that whole thing about how guys like the chase and he likes the fact that she won’t give it up as easy as ugh cough Clare cough cough.

Nikki is also pissed that she got the date.

Sharleen says that the fact that she can’t stop kissing him “disturbs” her. I seriously laughed out loud. That’s probably the first time that word has even been used on this show when talking about the lead. 

At this point I can sum up their date pretty quick. They sit on a boat and make out. They move to a beach and make out. They go out in the water and make out. They move to a lounge chair and make out. The end.

I’m pretty sure his intelligence level is nowhere near hers and so instead of having to go through an awkward conversation an make himself look like more of a fool he avoids it by just making out with her for the 12 hours they’re on their date.

Nikki gets the one on one date tomorrow and says something about it’s good she danced in Korea. But if I recall that whole episode was her complaining about that date non-stop. The first thing she says when she sees him is “What are we doing?” She really wants to know so that she can start *&@%#&$! And whining about it asap.

Back at the house Sharleen finally says it’s best if she leaves. I’m glad she finally said it out loud.

Juan Pablo is taking Nikki to go meet his parents. And his daughter. And his ex. That’s probably the first time on the Bachelor that this has happened. And he must be really oblivious and not care that much or be super into Nikki and at this point it could most definitely be either of those. I for one really couldn’t believe how pleasant his ex wife was. If that were me I would not have let a woman who went on national television to “fall in love” come. I also find it hilarious that Juan Pablo who was SO CONCERNED about what his daughter will think, took the liberty of taking one of 6 remaining girls to meet her but yet we know he will show up with a completely different girl in a matter of about 2 weeks. But don’t worry that’s totally ah-septable.

They go to Marlins Park. His “office.” It kills me that he calls it that but it really kills me that she is calling it that as well. I think she forgot half of her dress at the hotel and I hope I’m not the only one who caught Juan Pablo staring down the front of her dress more than once or twice or ten times.

His favorite thing to say this episode is “What are you thinking? Tell me.”

“When Juan Pablo planned this date for me, he hit a homerun” Oh geez. Who came up with that one? And now she’s definitely in love with him.

I thought that was super sweet and polite for Sharleen to tell the girls what was going on instead of just sneaking off to talk to Juan Pablo. Clare cough cough. And this leads to the conversation with Juan Pabs telling him she’s leaving. She knocks on his door and basically barges into his room. It was awesome. She full on says that to be ready for marriage in three weeks is insane and she’s not up for that. Way to go Sharleen. The first fully sane person to be on The Bachelor. She should get a medal for that! And with that Sharleen finally leaves. And Juan Pablo heads out to the balcony to get that leaning over the balcony, crying, bachelor money shot.

Group date time

They get in a plane and head to a private beach. Of course, Clare has to sit closest to Juan Pablo. I personally hope that she makes it to the final two and he dumps her just so we can all watch the melt down of the century.

Immediately the rose is there and all the girls start freaking out. Chelsie feels that the most beneficial way to spend her one on one time is to read him a stack letters. He definitely really wants to keep her around now. Andi gets the next one on one time. She feels the most beneficial way to spend her time is to break down and cry in hopes of getting the sympathy rose. Think it will work? Well in the past 26 seasons this tactic has been proven to work time and time again. Am I the only one that really does not like Andi? I get the feeling that everyone likes her and wants her to be the next Bachelorette if Juan Pabs doesn’t end up with her but I just don’t think I could personally stand a whole season featuring her. Andi just loves how he calms her down so much. Because, ya know, he didn’t say two words that could possibly “calm her down”. Clare feels it’s most beneficial to get all emotional about her dad and his video and basically tries the tug the heart string route to get the rose. And the break down tactic works through and through… Andi gets the rose. Which of course Clare thinks is totally not fair. Okay, where was Renee on that date… I don’t recall seeing any one on one time with her. Maybe I just totally missed it or she really didn’t get any air time.

Anyways Andi and Juan Pablo head to a place with some latin music and get up on stage and dance. Which was more like them standing there bending their knees. But Andi thinks he’s a really good dancer. Umm honey, he suuuuuuuuucks.

Back at the hotel Clare can’t stop whining about how unfair it is. Because she “really needs that reassurance” even though she had a one on one date last week, got the very first one on one date, and had quite the rendezvous at 4 AM with him. She’s probably had the most juan on juan time of any of the girls. Clare gets mad because Nikki won’t sit there and listen to her cry so she feels the need to chase Nikki and make her listen to her sob story. Quite honestly as much as I dislike Nikki, I totally don’t blame her in this situation. Clare gets mad when Nikki tries to get a word in edge wise. I about died when Nikki asked Clare to leave and Clare says she doesn’t have to because it’s everybody’s room, she’s not paying for the room, it’s “open space”, yada yada yada. I totally think Nikki had a right to ask her to leave because yes, they are sharing a suite, but that is Nikki’s personal room that she’s not sharing with anybody else. I will say that I get the vibe that the other girls don’t like Nikki but in this situation I personally think Clare is acting crazy. But I’m telling you, Clare…. Bunjee jumping date…. Genius idea.

What did you guys think of this whole saga????? I’m dying to know.

Best line of the whole episode?

“Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first. She claimed her territory. She claimed some territory that might not be hers.”

Rose ceremony time and I personally think that our “Science Educator” or Renee will be heading home.

10 seconds into the cocktail party Clare is already snapping at Nikki.

Renee finally gets some one on one time that was shown…. For about two seconds.

Some of the things that Nikki said in her interviews were pretty shocking. I felt like we were in Courtney territory again. Apparently Nikki and Clare are both beasts and well, you know what happens when you put two Betas in the same bowl. Them sitting there together was probably more awkward than your parents walking in during the only sex scene of the entire movie.

I’m glad Juan Pablo got super dressed up for this rose ceremony. What happened to the Bachelor being classy and wearing a suit and tie for these things. Justin Timberlake would be disappointed because, “As long as I got my suit and tie….”

Andi - rose

Nikki – rose

Clare – rose

Renee – rose

Bachelor Week 6: Metaphors & Makeouts

For starters, in the promo we hear Sharleen say it’s best if she leaves. I told you she was going to eliminate herself at some point. She just doesn’t fit and I’m shocked she hasn’t gotten up the nerve to leave earlier.

We open with Juan Pablo in a plane. He’s just so excited because he’s The Bach-aye-lore and his fame is going through the roof. He just can’t wait until his spot on Dancing With the Stars is secured.  “It’s a beautiful place with rivers and mountains” He obviously hasn’t seen much of America. Because you know, we don’t have mountains or rivers anywhere at all. It’s one big flat as a pancake desert.

It sounded like they said they were staying at the hookah something resort? Are they just gonna sit around and get high while they cry because they didn’t have a one on one date?

Clare thinks that New Zealand is a beautiful place but it “has a dark cloud over it.” That couldn’t be because she walked the plank with Juan Pablo last week could it? Go ahead. Milk the situation for all it’s worth and get that spot light back on you. We know you didn’t do anything more than has previously happened on The Bachelor regardless of all the up roar this past week.

Andi get’s the first one on one “Let’s heat things up” Immediately Clare is pissed off. Shocker! We haven’t seen that before at all.

Renee and Cassandra miss their kids and they feel like they’re wasting their time. Hate to break it to you but you are. Even if he picks you in the end just take a glance at the past 26 seasons and you’ll realize you probably won’t stay together longer than 3 months anyways.

“We’re in the land of volcanoes and we can all feel the pressure” Is making cheesy metaphors a requirement during casting?

Juan Pablo really wanted to go on a date with Andi. But more like it was the producers chose her for the next Juan on Juan. They get on a boat that goes super fast … wait I got this… Being on a jet boat going this fast is just like this experience. Everything happens so fast and I’m just falling in love… How’d I do? Did I pass the horrible metaphor test?

Juan Pablo tells Andi that they’re going to go swimming and Juan Pablo rubs his hands together in excitement. I bet Cameeeela showed him how to act like a giddy five year old. He lifts Andi into the river because she’s definitely not capable of getting in on her own. They went down a little canyon that got pretty narrow. But if a camera guy and equipment can fit, well then, they definitely can. I’m sure this is the perfect spot for another cheesy metaphor. I will give Andi props for not freaking out like Chelsie or Nikki and taking ten years before doing something. Andi is just so happy that he’s taking care of her and that he’s helping her over rocks and making sure she doesn’t fall. She thinks that something really amazing could happen. Like they’ll make it back to the boat without being eaten by an alligator. That would be amazing. But being eaten by an alligator might be a better choice than a date with Juan Pabs at this point. 

They finally get to a waterfall and instantly start making out because apparently that’s what you do when you go to a waterfall. Especially if you’re on The Bachelor. Line 562 of the contract states so. He sure didn’t waste anytime with Andi. After last week with Clare you’d imagine that he wouldn’t want to touch any girl. And let’s be honest. I highly doubt he and Clare did the deed but what was so different between him and Clare vs. him and Andi? Because they sure got pretty handsy in that water fall. I guarantee that wasn’t any different than what happened with Clare last week. What are your thoughts on this? I’m SO curious to know what other people are thinking.

----I was going to insert a picture of the waterfall here but they basically look naked in all of them (even though they aren't). But I can't help but post a link to this picture if you want just go look at it. Please just notice where Juan Pablos shorts are. How is that any different than what happened with Clare?----

After their waterfall excursion they go have dinner by a geyser. Juan Pablo says it’s going to “blow her mind” Blow? Is that a geyser metaphor? Geez we’re like 15 minutes in and already we’ve heard like 20 of these cheesy things. Can someone please keep track one episode because it’s getting repulsive. A geyser goes off and “completely ruined their dinner.” I think Andi is kind of a crowd favorite but I find her kind of dull and boring. I mean isn’t there a happy medium between drama filled Clare and dull Andi? The most exciting thing Andi has done is make out in a snack shack and now a waterfall. If she is the next Bachelorette I’m pretty sure it will be just like Des’ season and let’s face it, they need to seriously mix it up.

Back at the house, the group date card arrives and Clare realizes that she gets a one on one. Her second of the season. She’s just so happy because it will give them more time to hash and rehash the drama of the 4 am swimming debacle. Just what the producers were looking for! Lucky them!

Andi isn’t going to let the fact that dinner was ruined ruin her evening because there’s plenty more hours to be spent making out with him. Andi says she just can’t wait to have a family. Because that’s just what Juan Pablo wants to hear because in case ya’ll didn’t know, he’s a single dad. Juan pulls a rose out of his jacket like a bad magician at a mall show and Andi a-septs it. Then they make out some more. I’m pretty sure that’s all they did on their date.

Makeout, cheesy metaphor, makeout, cheesy metaphor, lather, rinse, repeat.

They continue to make out and at this point I’m just looking for my toothbrush because I just can’t handle watching him makeout with all these girls. I don’t know what it is about him vs other bachelors but he just… I don’t know. I just can’t handle it. 

Oh how convenient a Dyson vacuum commercial. They should get Juan Pablo to be a spokesman because he knows all about sucking…. Face.

Group date time. Is it just me or is Juan Pabs especially hard to understand this episode? Oh and in case you didn’t hear Cassandra say it the 13 times before, it’s her 22 birthday today. It was also Lucy’s birthday and guess what … she got sent home on her birthday. Sounds like a bad omen to me.  

They go and roll down a giant hill in massive hamster balls. Nikki and Juan Pablo just make out the whole way down. Can we please just start calling him the Bi-Polar Bachelor? Because it’s either like no, I’m not kissing anyone. Or all over everyone, all the time, eating their faces off.

They head to “Hobbiton” where Lord of the Rings was filmed. Which by the looks of all these girls you can tell they’ve read all the books and spent hours watching the movies. Juan Pablo hasn't read the books either because he wouldn't know what every other word mesa. Juan Pablo doesn’t know it yet but guess what ya’ll!? It’s Cassandra’s birthday!!!! Woah, why didn’t someone say so sooner?

Him and Renee get some one on one time. She’s worried that guys look at her and think of her as baggage. Well, they do. Just ask Kalon. He would say that anyone who’s got a child has some definite baggage and unfortunately, an extra 50 dollar fee won’t cover it. Don’t worry though; I’m sure we could get Emily to go all hood rat on any guy who calls a child baggage. And no one saw this coming but they make out. Renee says there’s sparks and chemistry and well, he obviously isn’t thinking that because it took him how many weeks to finally kiss her? 5 I believe.

Sharleen is questioning her feelings again for the 6^th straight episode. So she goes to talk to him and before she can get her first sentence out he’s already makin’ out with her. It seems to be a trend this episode.

Sharleen: “you don’t waste anytime.”

JP: “What does that mean?”

Hahahaha he doesn’t comprehend anything any girl says to him.

Juan says he’s feeling great. I wonder why. He’s getting what he wants from all the girls. Can I just say I loved how they played the “awkward” music while him and Sharleen were together. Too bad it wasn’t playing while this was actually going on. She keeps trying to talk to him and instead of trying to understand the things she says like “bland” and “wasting any time” he figures he’ll just keep kissing her. That way he doesn’t have to try and understand what anybody is saying. And the most awkward one-on-one time goes to Juan Pablo and his opera singer.

Cassandra thinks that she should get the rose strictly because it’s her birthday. Him and Cassandra actually have a conversation instead of swapping spit, which only means one thing. He’s not into her.

And the rose goes to Sharleen. He is super into her and she just doesn’t like him. It’s so interesting to me. It kind of cracks me up. Has this ever happened before where the main lead is super into someone who doesn’t reciprocate?

He pulls Cassandra aside, which can only mean one thing. Buh bye. Sorry, hun, he’s just not hooked on your phonics. And apparently Juan Pablo doesn’t like celebrating birthdays so instead of eating cake he’ll send them packing to celebrate with a gingerale and bag of peanuts on the plane. At least Lucy got to blow out a candle before being sent packing. He claims he didn’t know it was her birthday until after but I’m pretty sure he was informed and just chose to ignore it.

Clare and Juan Pabs meet up for a picnic. On some rocks. That looks really comfortable. Clare “needs answers.” About what? I’m not so sure. Oh! She wants to know about boundaries. Please, do tell. I’m super curious because it doesn’t seem like he has too many boundaries. Riddle me how a guy who goes on national television to find his “soul mate” thinks it’s inappropriate to hold hands in front of his daughter? I’m telling you, Bi-Polar Bachelor. He’s so concerned about being a good role model for Cameeeeela but he says he’s not going to kiss the girls and then he’s made out with every girl this episode (minus Kat).

Clare says that the day couldn’t have gone any better. Unless of course there was an ocean and it was 4a.m.

Clare: “In the past I’d just bolt”

JP: “wha”

Clare:“bolt”

JP: “What does that mean?”

Really? Ya’ll are fightin’ over this guy?

Well, at least birthday and Christmas presents will be easy. Rosetta Stone, English for Dummies, Dick and Jane books, Webster’s Dictionary.

Juan “really likes listening” to her. Because that’s all he can do is smile and nod because he doesn’t understand anything she is saying. They change into sweats so that they can have a rerun of last week. He gives her the rose and tries to use the word “bolt” but she has to correct him. Ha! Nice try Juan Pabs! In his interview… “I’m glad she didn’t bolt” This just keeps getting better! They “dance” and makeout… a lot. And she’s just so happy because wan pabs magically had a CD of the song from their first date, which Clare deems as “their song”. Barf. Did ya’ll notice how she wouldn’t even set the rose down? She seems to be here more to “win” than to find “true love”. I have a feeling she’ll be hanging around till at least the final 3. What do you guys think?

The storm clouds roll in and it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. My guess is that Kat or Chelsie get sent home because both of them had virtually no air time this episode. Not a good sign for them.

Chelsie used the word “frazzled” Juan Pablo doesn’t know what that means

¹fraz·zle verb \ˈfra-zəl\

: to make (someone) very nervous or upset

he didn’t kiss Chelsie, which means she’s a candidate for the limo ride.

And if we’re being honest I was looking at blogs while he talked to Kat. It was just some sob story about her daddy issues and how because of that it’s hard for her to get close to any guy and I zoned out for the rest of that conversation. I do think he ended up kissing her though. So that just backs up my thoughts that it was either Kat or Chelsie going home.

Sharleen, Andi, and Clare are already safe

Nikki – gets a rose

Renee- gets a rose

Chelsie – gets a rose

I really did not think Chelsie was going to get a rose.

So now we are left with

-Sharleen

-Renee

-Nikki

-Clare

-Chelsie

- Andi

Let’s just play around with this for a second. We know that he doesn’t like Chelsie. It’s obvious from their one on one time. Sharleen doesn’t like him. So based on that I would say that Chelsie gets eliminated and we’ve already heard the voice over for Sharleen saying it’s best if she goes and the previews for next week show what looks like her telling him she’s leaving. I’m assuming she eliminates herself somewhere in the near future. I don’t see her going on to the hometown dates especially when she says every episode that she’s not feeling it. That would leave Renee, Nikki, Clare, and Andi as the final 4. Based off of the things he says and does with Clare I think she will make it to the final 3, 2 or possibly be his final pick. I don’t see him with Renee in the long run, they just don’t mesh that well and she could do better. So I’m assuming from what we’re seeing that Andi, Clare, and Nikki will be the final 3. If I had to guess from those three, I would guess that he picks Clare in the end. What do you guys think?

Juan Pablo Goes to Hell

Sorry this is a little later than normal. School is taking over my life.
I think this week I'll just throw some bullet points up and make it snappy. I don't really have too much to say this week… I lose more and more interest each week.

- This week they were in Vietnam. We got the usual "I can't believe it," "dream come true," "falling in love," you know, the typical Bachelor word vomit.

- Renee gets the first one on one date. She's so excited because she hasn't kissed him yet. He's kissed basically all of the girls except Renee… that should tell her something.

- Juan Pablo puts her in the Vietnam equivalent of a stroller. Good thing he's a dad and is familiar with the baby buggy territory.

- They go to a tailor and she gets fitted for a dress. Little did she know that getting felt up by that tailor was the most action she'd be getting all night.

- They go shopping for their kids. Because if you didn't know, both Renee and Juan Pablo are single parents! Gosh, why don't they tell us this stuff!?! It's like we barely can figure it out. Cameeeela gets a dress that she'll probably never wear and Renee's son gets a hat. Because what 9 year old kid wouldn't want to strut around wearing a hat like that, damaging his reputation for the rest of his grade school years.

- yada yada yada. She wants a kiss. Juan Pabs says there's no way that will be happening tonight because he "doesn't want to disrespect her son" which translates into "I don't want to kiss Renee"

- She gets a rose. Are we really surprised? I don't think we will see anyone sent home on a one on one date this season. He doesn't have the guts to tell people he's not into them. So he just keeps them around and doesn't kiss them. Anyone else notice that we have yet to have a 2 on 1 date. I honestly have to wonder if they will even do one. Juan probably can't handle it.

- The group date card comes. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Danielle, Kelly, and Alli.

- They head off to some boats and have to pair up. Clare gets to go with Juan Pablo because she has no friends in the house and no one would be caught dead pairing up with her.

- If the girls didn't hate her enough, her and Juan Pabs start mackin' down "in the bushes" where they know no one will see them. Except for the 7 other girls on the date.

-They had dinner after "inviting themselves in" to a family's home. Because you know, it was totally spontaneous and not planned at all. Just like everything else on this show.

- After dinner the real drama starts.

- At the group date cocktail party Juan Pablo grabs Clare and they head off back to his suite to go for a swim. Of course none of the other girls even notice that when she comes back her hair is wet and pulled back.

- Sharleen tells us she's unsure of her feelings for Juan Pablo. For the 100th time in a row. She doesn't get it. Maybe someone should tell her that it's obviously not going to work between them especially since SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE HIM!!! Maybe if someone sings it opera style to her she'll get it. She should eliminate herself and go home already. Don't get me wrong, I like the chick but she's normal and realizes that "falling in love" and getting engaged after 6 full weeks together is kind of ridiculous. She'd be better off if she left.

- The group date rose went to Clare. Hmm… wonder why.

- After the group date Clare says there's something she's always wanted to do… swim in a warm ocean. And isn't 4 am just the PERFECT time for that? So she sneaks off to go see Juan Pablo with I'm sure no encouragement at all from the producers. Cough, cough.

- He agrees and they go do well…  it was kind of vague and turned into a big to do so I guess it's left up to us viewers to decide. Did they do the deed? If I recall didn't Courntey and Ben do this same thing in his season? Except they went into the water with no clothes on to begin with.

- Clare said it was the best night of her life. And then I believe she compared herself to a baby giraffe? Really? Was that the best she could come up with? I guess when it's 6 am and you haven't slept in 24 hrs. and you're loaded up on the boos, we can't really expect much more.

- Nikki gets her one on one date next. She's just super confident because "I always get the rose on the group date!" Her date card reads, "Let's have a hell of a good time."

- They go repelling and there's about a million more of the typical Bachelor cliches about how this is just like falling in love with him, and it's so scary, and it's life or death, and it's all about trust. Okay how many seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette is this? 26. No one has died! But she's putting all her trust in Juan Pablo…. not the ropes, or repelling equipment, or the professionals that are standing a mere 7 inches away. Because if she falls it will definitely rest on Juan Pablo. Oh, just get a grip and go to hell Nikki. (meaning the cave of course)

-Nikki gets a rose.

-The cocktail party…. the main part was Juan Pablo and Clare hashing and re-hashing the midnight mingle in the "warm ocean". Juan tells her it was a mistake and Clare cries her eyes out, I mean allergies her eyes out for the rest of the night.

- Remembering back to the first night… Clare showed up with a fake baby bump, no?

Well now she's going to be showing up to the After the Final Rose with a real one! 

That will be a first… a Bachelor baby!!! It's bound to happen at some point, yeah? 

- In the end Juan Pabs sent Kelly, Danielle, and Alli home. 

- I'm sure this cocktail party isn't the last time we hear about Clare's 4 am rendezvous with him. The promos for next week clearly show that she has a one on one and they're talking about it. 

Keepin' it short(er) and sweet this week. Thank heavens "Juan-uary" is over… Now we're into "Febru-Arie" I personally think he should still be the bachelor because quite frankly, Arie is just down right hilarious. 

The Bachelor: Poor Unfortunate Seouls

Let's start with some quick words about Sean and Catherine's wedding. You bet your bottom dollar I watched it and to be honest I watched it expecting to cry. They are the one and only couple that I can truly say I absolutely love everything about. They are so goofy together and I abso-freaking-lutely adore it. I want a love like that.

They are the first "Bachelor" couple to ever be married. The other two came from "The Bachelorette" and then there's Jason and Molly. You can say they're a Bachelor success but I will fight you till the cows come home that these two are not an "official" Bachelor/Bachelorette couple. He freaking picked Melissa. Not Molly. Melissa.  Jason just lucked out with the fact that after Melissa realized she was too good for that sort of thing, Molly was okay with being sloppy seconds.

Sean and Catherine…. The whole thing was a little bit boring but I watched it and I thought it was fun to see the prep. I thought the actual ceremony turned out GORGEOUS but then again how could it not when you have the top people working on it and you don't have to drop a dime. I was bummed we didn't get to see the wedding cake though. But I'm very happy they're married and I loved Catherine's vows. I didn't cry through the whole thing…. and then at the end when they are walking out and Sean is crying… yup, I lost it.

I also can't figure out how in the world ABC let them pick that day and time knowing that it would air opposite of the Grammy's. But hey…. we have DVR so all is well in the world.

On to JUAN PABS

They didn't announce that they were going to start traveling at the rose ceremony like they normally do. It was probably because Chris Harrison needed to show America he still has his job. So he shows up at the beginning and tells them they're going to Korea. Now, if any of you know me and if I were on the show, the second I heard that we were going to Korea I would've packed up my bags and walked out the door. No way in hell you will find me in Korea. Ever. They have one hour to pack and of course all the girls are screaming… because they had no idea they would be traveling. And then they're all "my future husband is waiting for me around the world!" Riiiiiiight.

They get to Korea and the first group date card reads "Pop" I'm pretty sure nobody knows what K-pop is and I'm pretty sure the fact that they are all talking about it like they've always known just goes to show how staged and forced this "reality" show is.

Nikki made it very clear from the very beginning of this date that she was just so happy to be on the date and that she just could not wait to spend time with Juan Pabs and deepen her friendship with all of the girls. This is a reoccurring theme for Nikki throughout the whole day.

The girls and Juan Pabs are just so stoked because they're going to be dancing with 21!!!!!!!! OH. MY. GOSH. I can't believe it!!!!! 21!!!!!!! As in like Forever 21??? Because heck yeah, I could dance through that store all day. But wait, they mean 21. You know? 21. Yeah, me either. But don't you fret because Elise, Nikki, Cassandra, Danielle, Chelsie, and Kat just happen to be huge fans! They are SO lucky that worked out.

They start practicing and take turns showing off their dance moves. Juan Pablo… I don't even know what to say. He. Can't. Dance. He looked like an uncoordinated teenage boy trying out for America's Next Top Model. Just shield our eyes. Please! Kat can actually dance. Like she's really good. Then Nikki… that was just hilarious. Those dancing skills just landed her the job of the Chick-fil-a cow on the corner! I'm pretty sure if she would've just shut up about not liking to dance and played along, no one would've even realized how bad she was. I can't recall Cassandra, or Chelsie, or Elise's dance moves. Can you?

Something tells me Nikki's true colors are coming out.
"My outside face looks like this…. my inside face looks like this"
"This is my worst nightmare"
"I hope we're performing for the South Korean school of the blind"
She's starting to remind me a lot of Courtney from Ben's season….. Winning!

The after party was basically more drama revolving around, yup, you guessed it, Nikki. She doesn't like the fact that she has to share his attention. We've never heard that uttered in the past 26 seasons of this show. Kat is talking to Juan Pablo and the whole "what's your biggest fear" topic comes up yet again… this is the THIRD time this has happened and I'm sure this has happened before on other seasons but was there really nothing else that ABC could show us? They had to show this exact conversation three weeks in a row? I think the crew is losing brain cells just by being around Juan Pablo. Show us something else. Kat comes back and did anyone else see Nikki blatantly look at her watch as she walked in? I can't even blame bad editing on this Nikki drama because every single girl on that date said something about how bratty Nikki was being.

Nikki goes and has her Juan on Juan time. It's all about how this is so hard for her and how she's just in a really tough spot and boo hoo hoo. Somebody call the waaaaaaambulance. Juan Pablo then asks her how she feels about Cameeeeeeela…. Her response? "I'm a great diaper changer." Umm honey, Cameeeeela is 4! I pray to the diaper genie gods that she is potty trained by now!

Back at the house Sharleen gets the one on one date card, which only means one thing. My digerno pizza that was cookin' in the oven was gonna have to wait. Unless of course I wanted to taste it twice while watching Sharleen and Juan Pablo make out. Vomit.

Nikki "I really want the rose. Not because I was the best dancer, but because I was me."
The girls' response to Nikki getting the rose, "It wasn't fun" "It sucked" "Yuck."
(That's 2 group date roses in a row for Nikki, in case you were wondering)


Sharleen's date. I don't have a whole lot to say. I really think she will end up eliminating herself at some point because you can clearly see she just isn't into this whole Bachelor thing and she isn't into Juan Pablo. Apparently ABC has yet to brain wash her into fully thinking this. I kind of enjoy watching her because you can just tell she thinks this whole thing is ridiculous. The girls talk about her back at the house and say how Sharleen thinks her conversations with Juan Pablo are dull and boring. See, she's obviously not digging him.

During dinner they have some riveting conversation. Let's just say Master's Degree vs degree in …. uh soccer? Whaaaaaaatttta match! I do like that she calls him on his crap and that she just flat out calls him a smart ass and a brat. She's so kind and caring though and proceeds to define what bland is to Juan Pablo. Later the kids conversation comes up and she claims that she's never thought about it but really that's just code for "I don't want kids and I'm only here to watch Nikki and Clare duke it out." Juan Pablo says that they have lots in common and gives her the rose. A) I'm shocked he gave her the rose after the kids conversation and B) I'm shocked she Ah-septed it. I'm quite curious as to how long this little shenanigan is going to go on for.

The second group date card comes "Let's get Krazy in Korea!"

They're off but Clare can't read Korean so she has no idea what they're doing.
Na na na na na na…. There. I just summed up the group date for you.
Karaoke. Because hey, if karaoke isn't bad enough in english, it's bound to improve in Korean.

After karaoke they head to some swan boats. So I have to ask you guys… what's better? Swan boats? or the tug boat from Des' season? Yeah, I would've chosen to drown too.

They went and got fish pedicures and if we're being honest this looks SO weird but I would never turn down the option to try it. Too bad it's illegal in the U.S. But it still won't get me to go to Korea. No way, no how.

One of the girls says that "Clare is a little territorial" Well hello!!!! Were you not at the last rose ceremony? or were you too smashed to remember her little hide and go seek in the bathroom act? Regardless, she is always by his side and the fact that she got up and went to sit by him during the pedicures and said "It's warmer over here" Yeah, not obvious at all.

Clare and Nikki really bugged me this episode. Can we just get rid of them both? If they are the final 2, I swear I will slit my wrists. But let's see… Vienna won…. Courtney won…. is this a sign?

Juan Pablo says this date was fun and a little cray sea. The after party was just all sorts of sorority house ridiculous. I could go into detail but basically here's what happened… everyone wanted to kiss him but he wasn't going to kiss anybody because he has a daughter. But that didn't stop him from sucking face before so why now?

Andi did call him out on being a bad dancer though! His response? "ex hues me?" Best. Ever.

Then Clare has her one on one time. Earlier in the day she decided she needed even more attention and made a big deal about eating some octopus. She tells Juan Pablo that she threw up in her mouth but then swallowed it back down. She was trying to hide it. So naturally, the best way to hide it would be to tell everyone. Then whataya know. He starts mackin down with Clare. The secrets out. If you want Juan Pablo to kiss you, tell him you threw up earlier. Seals. The. Deal.

After all that, Clare didn't even get the rose and I'm pretty sure you could see the steam coming out of her ears when he gave that rose to Andi.

When all was said and done this episode it was Elise and Lauren that got sent home. Elise was okay with it though because her mom "didn't want her around ugly people" anyways. Those tears were tears of excitement to be going home. Really.

The promos for next week look kind of interesting. The way ABC played it off makes it look like Clare spends the night with Juan Pabs. Hmm maybe we'll end up with a Bachelor Baby this season! That would be a first.

Too bad we know that it will be nothing and that it's all just editing and hype. At least I'm hoping we all can realize that by now.

I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the ending credits. It was actually really funny to watch him and I'll be honest, that was the first time I have even thought he was remotely attractive. That's probably because he was goofing off in an attractive way and I haven't really been paying attention to his looks much… just the drama. I looked all over for the video but came up empty handed. If I ever find it I'll post it.