Bachelor: Sean Edition

Yep, it's that time of year. Season 394 of The Bachelor.  Featuring Sean Lowe. 
I wasn't going to write this post because it seems like everyone does a "bachelor" post now-a-days but oh well, I do what I want lately and don't give a bleepity bleep what anyone thinks. 

We first see Sean cruisin' in a jeep (good car choice, BTW) less than thirty seconds into the show, hold your breath, his shirt is already off (Gasp).
He fell in love with Emily, yada yada yada. (Hey Emily, are you kicking yourself yet? It's okay, just go buy another cat.) 
Sean is on the beach gazing out into the ocean. Woah, mixin it up here. Not. 
"I want to be that rock" as he so coincidentally climbs a rock while shirtless. SO literal ABC. so. literal. 

Cut to Sean in the kitchen. Cuttin' up those strawberries. Boy can cook!
Maybe he should bump on over to Fox for an episode of Hell's Kitchen. 
 Then (shocker) Arie shows up.
 It went a little like this, "I haven't seen you since Emily dumped us, but yeah, we're best buds" 
I would be lying if I said that the part with Arie and Sean wasn't hilarious. 
will you accept this rose?   
WILL you accept this rose? 
will YOU accept this rose? 
will you accept THIS rose? 
will YOU accept THIS rose?
Anyways, you get it. 

Then the "break up techniques" 
Arie: "Well you're moving's not gonna work"
Sean: "yeah, and I can't just stop texting them." 
 Hey, I hear leaving them on a glacier (enter Ali Fedotowsky and Kasey Kahl) works rather well. 

Kissing lessons
Sean: "What about tongue?"
Arie: "Just a tease, not a lot. none of (Shakes his head back and forth looking like a bloodhound)" 
Apparently Arie is famous for kissing. Does it weird anybody else out that a guy would compliment another guy on his kissing?

Okay, the girls...

-I liked Tierra right from the start. Not so much her name but her personality.
Evidently from the preview this is likely to change. 

- Shocker, another Salt Laker. I would just like to point out that there has been a Salt Laker on the past 4 consecutive seasons. They saw how psycho Bentley and Michelle were that they kept coming back for more.  Oh, also during her closer look I'm pretty sure I know right where she lives. Exactly. Weird? Yes. Field trip anyone? 

- Ashley P.  I think she's now better known as the 50 shades girl. During her closer look she says I don't know why I'm single. Gee I think all of  'Merica could tell you now. 

-Selma... do you generally keep tissue in your dress? Bleh, don't wipe that on my face. Anybody ever heard of boob sweat? Did anybody else notice that he still had lipstick smeared on his face for the rest of the night? or maybe that was his left over strawberries. Who knows. 

-Kelly "cruise ship entertainer" screams winner to me. 

-Katie the yoga instructor... Yo, you forgot your shoes

- Robyn tried to do a back walkover, in heels, on cobble stone and surprisingly biffed it. I wouldn't recommend trying out for cirque du solei anytime soon. Sorry hun. Maybe Kelly could hook you up with a cruise ship gig. 

-Paige "jumbotron operator" 'nuff said.

Kerianne "I drove 2775 miles to meet you" uhh why didn't you fly? Too much emotional baggage? 

Lindsay "substitute teacher" wearing a wedding dress, kisses him on the lips, seriously? 
Lindsay: "I'm a prankster...I got balls" 
Sean: "I hope not" 
I don't even need to elaborate on this one. Well maybe just the fact that Sean is pretty freaken witty!

Curve ball! 

Kacie B.... Kacie B!?!?! I love Kacie B!
 Too bad I think she's already stuck in the land of forever friends and nothing more. 

Cocktail Party 

I think the roses along the way was just bait for more drama.

Catherine just drives me nuts. She seemed pretty annoying and ditzy in her interviews. My opinion but I just don't see it. She didn't impress me one bit. 

Lindsay (wedding dress girl) "Gimme a kiss, I swear I'm not contagious" She was shocked later by Sean's reaction. "I don't think he got it" "I wish I could go back and wear a normal dress"
Yeah, you should've. You basically tainted your name for life. You will forever be known as the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night. You should probably pack your bags and head somewhere where they know nothing about The Bachelor. I hear rural India doesn't have TVs. 

Ashley P. (50 shades) "Do we need to start dancing?"
 No, girl. That's the last thing we need to do. 
Then she goes to talk to Sean. . . 
Girl from Salt Lake, "I am so scared for him right now" 
Sean: "I also brought a rape whistle" 
Sean: "Ashley P., that girl's a tripp!"
Sean: "So can I talk now?"
Sean: "I think 50 shades of Grey turned into 50 shades of drunk" 
He then led her back inside where she promptly face planted into the floor.
She made her exit by saying it was a bit of a "bum-sky" and proceeded to let us all know what Sean was "missing"
Poor girl.

Anyways, should be an interesting season.
Can't wait to see who gets pushed down the stairs. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm excited for this season of Bachelor!! Not really for the show but for your commentaries!!! You are hilarious!!!